Stages Of A Salott War

As told by Shia Labeouf

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So you’re just sitting there on your laptop, bored as hell, scrolling through your newsfeed for literally anything remotely interesting. Suddenly a post on The Salott with a hefty amount of likes, comments and shares crops up and you just know it's going to be good.

You excitedly click 'read more comments' and get ready for the mayhem that's about to ensure as you go through all the stages highlighted by Shia Labeouf below.

1. The Calm Before The Storm

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As you read, your mind starts racing to all the possible replies you could be keyboard mashing at this very second. But not now – patience is a virtue, and you try to contain your bottled rage to get to know everyone’s views on the matter first.

2. Diving In

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Feeling ready to embark on this crusade, you roll up your sleeves and get typing. We’re past the point of no return – commitment is key.

3. The Naive Self-Pride

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The likes start pouring in, and people even start replying to your comment directly with things like “TOTALLY AGREED!”, “THIS.”, or “Finally someone’s speaking some sense in here!”. You think to yourself that perhaps this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

4. Enter The Haters

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There’s always at least a small army of people that don’t agree with you, and they soon start rushing in. Still riding on the high of your initial comment, you’re convinced you’ve still got this and are ready to show everyone how it’s done one more time.

5.  "How are these people allowed to have a Facebook account?"

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Their second counter-argument is even more ridiculous than the first one, and you can’t help but actually laugh at how someone this stupid can be so vocally insistent.

6.  THEY’RE. ACTUALLY. SERIOUS.

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As the comment war wages on, you come to the realization that these people aren’t kidding around – they actually do believe everything they’re saying, and as that sinks in, it goes from funny to sad very quickly.

7.  Five hours later

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The notifications are still pouring in. Your phone's battery is actually suffering. You don’t even remember what you started arguing about in the first place. WHAT. IS. LIFE.

8.  Some people just want to watch the world burn 

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At this point, you realize there’s another way to go about all of this. You leave the most controversial comment you can muster up, and remove notifications on the post. Kick back, get some popcorn out, and watch as shit repeatedly hits the fan.

9.  Guess who's back?

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After hours of not being involved in the battle, you come back to realize that that last comment you left created a whole other (extremely heated) argument. You’re basically an online celebrity by now. You decide to return as the war hero to deliver one final blow to the opponent.

10. VICTORY

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…or as close to that as possible anyway. Everyone else has given up, and you take that as an inability to answer your last hard-hitting one-liner. Hey, you might even go for a quick victory lap around the house while you’re in the festive mood.

11. But at what cost? 

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As you sit there, still basking in your own awesomeness, you realize that an entire day has passed and no one’s opinions have really budged one inch anyway. Was it really worth it? Short answer: No.  Long answer: Hell no.

What was your most controversial Salott moment? Let us know in the comments on Facebook.

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Written By

David Grech Urpani

Sarcastically ironic, Dave is a recovering hipster musician with a penchant for chicken, women's clothes and Kanye.

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