Maltese Junk Food The Rest Of The World Needs To Try… And Where You Can Get The Next Best Thing
Whether you’re looking for a cure to your hangover, a filler for your munchies or just a light snack because you’re peckish at the beach, Maltese junk food (or stuff that is generally not too healthy to eat more than a couple of times per week) really nails any stomach-satiating needs you may have.
If you were asked to present a platter of local treats to the rest of the world, you’d be crazy to leave these Maltese edibles out.
1. Twistees, the classic
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A crispy, cheesy, baked rice snack that anyone living in Malta simply adores.
A true testament to the unity of Maltese society, you’ll find it hard to find someone who doesn’t enjoy a bag of these orange nuggets. They’re available in the UK under the brand Tastees and are legit the real deal – Twistees in Malta are exported to the UK for repackaging, it’s just a shame that old Blighty doesn’t get the chicken flavour we do.
South Africa have them under the Nik Naks label, Australia has them as Twisties. How original.
2. Kinnie, the Maltese Coke
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Kinnie is exported out to Australia and for a good cause, too. Not just to appease to the large Maltese community, Kinnie is also one of the best hangover cures.
True story: my first taste of Kinnie was while working a bar shift on the worst tequila comedown, we had no coke left and I wanted something cold and fizzy to settle my stomach. Kinnie came through. Though, I’m not sure if it was because of the overdose of chemicals used to give the drink it’s “herby” flavour or because it is secretly a potion used to ward off spirits (literally) passed down through the hands of elders in Malta.
3. Pastizzi, the glorious OGs
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Let’s not get into the famed filling war.
If you’re going for a pastizz, you may as well get one of each (and by one of each we mean piżelli, irkotta, tigieg and Nutella. Yes, really). Throw a goddamned pastizzi party and leave your chin smeared with grease in the best (and tastiest) way possible.
You’ll find these little hot cakes in Canada, Australia, New York, London and even Swindon in the UK.
4. The coveted Mango Rib
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If you ever find yourself wandering aimlessly towards Spinola after a heavy night in Paceville, make sure you line your stomach with one of these bad boys.
Soft shortcrust pastry wraps up a mango rib patty like the ones you’d get in your Subway sandwich (or the fabled McDonald’s McRib), slathered with mango jam and melted mozzarella.
These aren’t available anywhere else in the world to my knowledge, so if you pass your local pastizzerija and they’ve got any of these left, sling €2.80 over that counter and never look back.
5. The illustrious Burger Pie
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Not exactly a Maltese creation (the origins of this delight are up for debate), you’ll be able to find these gorgeous gorgers in South Africa where they are part of the urban culture akin to that of a bunny chow.
Malta has three different variations: two beef, one chicken. All of them have cheese, but the two beef choices will have you wondering if you’d rather a curried onions with bacon and mozzarella or a caramelised onion, tomato and burger sauce filling.
6. Ħelwa tat-Tork
Malta’s own spin on halva, a remnant of our Arabic roots, Ħelwa tat-Tork is a dense micro-crumbing that combines flour, nut butters, the occasional spoonful of tahini, sugar, whole nuts and anything sweet you might want to add into a mouthful of pure deliciousness.
Look for halva in the Balkans, Africa’s horn, Southern Asia and the Caucasus regions.
7. Imqaret
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What’s better than fried pastry? Fried pastry that’s been flavoured with orange flower water or rose water essence, filled with dates and sugar and pummeled into flat, crispy pockets of junk food joy.
We haven’t seen these delicacies make their way off the rock just yet, but if you know of anywhere, be sure to let us know.
8. The Wudy Cheese Sausage Roll™
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Move over Greggs; there’s a new sausage roll in town and it’s got melted cheese running through that never drips down your face. Italy could never.
9. Greasy AF pizza taż-żebbuġ
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Another staple on any pastizzerija hot shelf, the greasiest square slices you will ever get your hands on are also some of the most scrumptious eats you can stuff yourself with.
Margheritas are too plain and a Capricciosa (with the cheese-less Wudys and Gandhi’s flipflop boiled eggs) is too middle class. Be bougie with your żebbuġi. If you need to ask where you can find pizza outside of Malta then we’d suggest you crawl back into the hole you’ve obviously recently dug your way out of and remain there for the rest of eternity. Where to pizza this moreish? That, we will allow. And the answer is on almost any street corner.