Exclusive: The Real Reason Malta Has Become Obese

What a time to be alive but almost dying

Blessing Or Curse

There is something killing this nation. It is making us fat. The fattest in Europe by a wide margin, according to the punsters at Times of Malta. 

We always thought it was the pastizz, but we were wrong. It turns out only nine per cent of us eat a pastizz weekly. Most of us don't really touch them at all. 

This is what is really happening. Four hundred and fifty years after we pushed them away, the Turks are back. And they're killing us softly with their food. 

But there is one outlet that is killing us faster than the rest. I discovered it today. 

Ezgif Com Crop

It goes by the despicably friendly name Posh Kebab. It doesn't have a Facebook page. Its online presence exists only in the form of suspiciously non-hyperbolic posts on Are You Being Served?  

Even in real life the restaurant appears almost camouflaged by the middle-class-Maltese-crowdedness that is the Pama shopping centre. The perfect location: a giant hypermarket whose perimeter is only contained to respect the sacred parking lot engulfing it. A ħarġa that the Maltese could only dream of before: comfortable parking, shoppink, eating, drinking and driving home. 

On the outside, Posh Kebab seems like any other doner kebab shop: casual, loud and chaotic. There are some distinct characteristics though. 

Exhibit A. Clear proof that Posh Kebab is more addictive than all the rest. People eat it mid-shopping spree.

Pama Emojid

The decor is particularly fascinating. This table, called "Posh Number 2", is conveniently covered with a photo of the Azure Window in Dwejra. Patriotism with a subtle dig.

Table

Then there is the bread. It's called Tombik and it's basically pita bread that's thick af. Almost like ftira without all the bullshit in the middle. Perfection.

Thick Pita
Kebab

But worst of all, the killer of all silent killers, this beast: The Pide. A concoction of everything the Maltese love, it has three important characteristics.

Giant Pastizz

1. Capricciosa filling that spares no prisoners: egg, cheese, tomato, peas, picnic ham, wudy sausage... The list goes on. 

Filling

2. Bread coating that tastes like the perfect cross between ftira and timpana pastry.

3. The familiar shape of a pastizz that lures us instinctively to munch right through it. 

Giant Pastizz 2

There is no escaping it.

Unamused Owl

You have been warned.

Tag a friend who could eat this on their own, and tell us what you think of this monstrosity in the comments on Facebook!

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Written By

Chris Peregin

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