Malta’s nightlife is popping’ yo, if you haven’t had a night out on the island yet then you probably have no friends and if that is the case then we suggest you get out there and make some by heading to the nearest social joint.
When the night is over and your belly is aching for something to line it after you’ve stripped the mucus with about a zillion cheap shots of paint thinner, there is only one thing left to do: stuff your face.
But it is what you choose to eat when drunk that says a lot about you as a person.
Not your zodiac, that’s just hippy-dippy nonsense.
You’re a PV veteran. You can navigate the crowds and alleys like a pro even when you’re three trays deep with a dead battery on your phone.
Much like the blind leading the not-so-blind, you’ll drag all your friends to Champs for a Wudy or five just because you think Burger King is too mainstream and rather than risk tripping and falling down St Rita steps you’d choose to stumble through the taxi-filled St George’s road just to get a cheesy sausage. Priorities: in check. Wallet? Probably dropped into the gutters lining the streets.
You’re a risk taker, but one with class. You chose to drive all that way while inebriated just to get a taste of history and another double JB coke.
You probably don’t live too far from the area, though, and are most likely the kind of person who avoids Paceville like the Black Plague. We’ll see you next Friday at Marrakech, huh?
3. Burger King
You must be new to the party scene. Freshly inaugurated into tertiary education, you’ve got a whole strip of clubs to explore and because you told your parents where you would be you don’t want to stray too far away from literal Paceville.
Still very much at the whim of your guardians, you’re petrified that if they call you and ask how things are going at half-past-midnight and don’t hear the roar of drunken rowdies behind you they’ll fear you’ve been kidnapped and shipped off to Sicily.
4. Hugo’s Burger Bar
You’re a total nuvo. If you don’t know what that means, you’re probably better off not finding out.
You’re probably the kind of guy who fills up five containers with their peppercorn sauce and then proceeds to use them as ammunition against your friends in their Gagliardi suits instead of, you know, dipping your fries.
5. Pit Stop
You’re Swedish, an iGaming employee or tight with your cash. Nordic is the only club you’ll go into because they have cheap-as-chips tequila trays.
That’s it. That’s all we have to say about you.
You’ve achieved the impossible: talked your Bolt driver into heading to the drive-thru at McDonalds. You, my friend, are a local hero and deserve nothing but praise.
We wish nothing but the best for you, your family, your dog, your cat and everything your touch. May you life be blessed because you have brought sweet satisfaction to everyone in the car tonight.
7. Sofra Kebab, Żebbug
Arguably (not officially) the best kebab house in Malta, you’ve just spent a good hour or two navigating the night bus routes and after that ordeal, quite frankly, you deserve the chicken nugget wrap the staff are happy to put together for you.
You’re the resourceful type and make do with what is available at any given time. Even it does mean having to find your way home from the literal middle spot of Malta.
8. Anywhere open early enough to serve you breakfast.
You’re a mess. You’ve been hard at in Clique well after the Paceville curfew has kicked in, probably wired on a few too many vodka Red Bulls and will have to keep your sunglasses on all morning because those bags are designer, girl.
You want your cake but can’t always eat it. You’ll manage to get down your bacon and eggs, but take one bite of sausage and the flashback to every man trying to grope your ass will kick in and you’ll need to find a way back to your bed ASAP.
You know no limits. You thought you’d walk down to Hugo’s Burger Bar but overestimated a few steps, have ended up on the beach in St George’s Bay and taken a dip in your skinny jeans.
You’ll be awoken by the rising sun in about half an hour with a mouthful of sand, questioning whether you actually went in the sea last night or just soiled yourself because you were so drunk.