Traffic in Malta is a bitch. This is not really news to anyone who’s driven through our streets before. But as the minutes tick by and the motionless cars continue pumping exhaust fumes into the already unbearably hot air, we turn to ‘people watching’ as our only source of entertainment. Here are some of the people you’ll spot in Maltese traffic:
1. The nose picker
Tini kwart ħabib. Traffic can be boring, but what adventures do you hope to get up to up there?
2. The decked out Fiat Punto driver
Nothing says “look at me… please?” like a car worth less than €1k decked out with every possible ‘upgrade’ in the shop. Expect a slow nod and a ‘you like what you see, don’t you’ eyebrow raise when you accidentally catch their eye.
3. The impatient white-taxi driver
Edging in as close as possible to the cars in front of them, these taxis are adamant in the belief that they are the only ones who have places to be.
4. The guy listening to the same radio station as you
Malta doesn’t have much of a choice when it comes to good radio stations, so be prepared to find someone creepily smiling at you through their window as you bop to the same song.
5. The yummy mummy
Possibly en route to pick up her children from San Anton, the yummy mummy is usually found in a large (and expensive) 4×4, overflowing with children’s toys and Frozen stickers.
6. The bewildered tourist
Poor thing probably read all the holiday guides, but nothing could have prepared them for the traffic situation on the island.
7. The text addict
The whole ‘no texting while driving’ law applies even if you’re texting your mother to put the lasagna in the oven.
8. The Snapchatter
Sure you look cute with those dog ears and all of Valletta’s traffic as your backdrop, but it’s time to put the phone down. Don’t worry, the hundreds of seconds of your friend zibel in Havana will still be there after you safely park your car.
9. The lane changer
If there’s traffic blocking the Santa Venera tunnels, your weaving left and right isn’t really going to get you to Marsa any faster.
10. The Eurovision star in the making
Giving Ira and Chiara a run for their money, the car-singer is ready to take the world by storm after having practiced an extremely varied range of genres ( which are heavily dependant on what the radio station is playing at the time).
11. The angry guy who totally didn’t anticipate traffic
Similar to the bewildered tourist, but garnering a lot less sympathy because it’s Malta, and they should have known better.
12. The Havana superstar
You might as well make good use of the time you’ve got while you’re stuck in traffic by prepping for the weekend. It’s seated-bump-and-grind time y’all.
Bonus: The people who caused the traffic
As if being in an accident wasn’t bad enough, the people standing on the side of the road waiting for the tow truck have to endure an endless array of death-stares from the people who drive by and realise they’re the traffic’s source.