Summer in Malta doesn’t start till you’ve been to your first big BBQ. Be it on a beach, a roof, a balcony, or even a public promenade, the Maltese are always ready for a nice flame grilled meat fest. Anyone who’s ever attended a Maltese BBQ knows there are a few things that will remain consistent no matter who’s hosting or where it’s at.
1. There will be 10,000kgs of garlic bread
And you will try your best not to fill up on the first course, but realistically you’re not strong enough to resist the buttery goodness. If you’re good, you’ll stop after your second slice, and then sneak in a third for good measure, just as the plate is being taken away.
2. Someone will bring a side-dish you know won’t be eaten
Aunty Doris, I can see those potatoes are raw from all the way over here.
3. There will be a minimum of three types of sausage
If the BBQ you’re at isn’t offering Maltese sausages, pink, pork sausages and frankfurters… leave.
4. Some of which will be lost through the grill
Wanna see a grown man cry? Watch as the alpha-BBQ-controller drops a couple of sausages onto the coals and begins to question his life’s worth.
5. Someone will recommend the food should have been cooked in the oven before because “it’s chicken ta”
No. Fuck you Sarah we’re doing this the right way.
6. Someone will hit the booze early on, and get awkwardly handsy
Please leave my cheeks (be they on my face, or slightly lower) alone. Thanks.
7. The dog will steal some food and everyone will freak out thinking he’s gonna die
And the person who starts this panic usually begins by stating “I saw on Facebook that if dogs eat [any food]…”
8. Someone’s partner will turn out to be a vegetarian
Firstly, who even are you, and why are you here? Secondly the burgers have tomatoes and lettuce – feel free to scrape those out and hand over your patty to literally anyone else at the table.
9. You’ll go back for a fifth plate, even though you bust through your shorts on the third
You just can’t say no to BBQ food, it’s probably a law or something.
10. The conversation will slow, and someone will pick it up again with “taf min miet?”
Nothing compliments good BBQ food quite like a macabre discussion on death and illness. Thank god for wine!
11. The under-30s will be quizzed about every aspect of their life
“How’s school?”, “Did you get the job you wanted?”, “When are you going to get married?”, “What about kids? Time is running out!”
12. Everyone begins to cancel plans the next day, because they know there’s no way they’re waking up on time
Food coma meets hangover, all with a side of “I spent too much time with my family and now I feel inadequate in every aspect of my life”; 24 hours in bed it is!
13. The person responsible for dessert will bring out a watermelon
And they will instantly lose the respect of everyone in attendance.