Let’s be real here, everyone in Malta has a Facebook account – and if they don’t… they’re probably lying. During our stay on the social media platform, the Maltese have given it that unique flavour we always seem to do so well. Here are just a fraction of the people you’ll meet when using Facebook in Malta:
1. The Nanniet
These sweet souls just wanted to be up to date with the times and had a grandchild create a profile for them. They have no clue how to use it, but the status they posted asking their daughter to buy them groceries is just the cutest thing ever.
2. The Gamers
Your notifications are always graced with a game request from these people, giving you cows as gifts or asking you for help to crush their candy. What? How? And most importantly: Why?
3. The Fitness Freaks
We don’t need to know you’ve ‘checked-into’ Cynergi. And we’ve all seen enough gym selfies to last a lifetime. Please keep your healthy lifestyle to yourself, we already almost feel guilty about not working out… almost.
4. The Pro Photographers
Having a real professional as a friend brightens up any newsfeed… but to the rest who just bought a DSLR and took an afternoon trip to Buskett – please stop.
5. The Salottiers
We can understand that some things in Malta piss you off, but do you really believe that venting about the most insignificant problem to an audience of 40k strangers is gonna help?
6. The Online Journals
They’ll post a status once an hour explaining the mundane things they’re up to. Honestly Sarah, no one cares that you’re ‘feeling bored’.
7. The Couple’s Account
The dreaded joint Facebook account featuring an endless stream of photos of them together, kissing in different locations. Just what I wanted to see on a Monday morning.
8. The Animal Lovers
Endless photos of their cat is the only thing you’ll find on their profile. That, and an undying love for Rubs Puppy Love. There’s a fine line Sarah, and that 20th photo of your cat in the litter box just crossed it!
9. The Over-sharers
How did you find that eons-old, pixellated photo of a cracked mirror that’s going to kill my mother in two minutes if I don’t comment saying ‘Amen’… and more importantly, why did you share it?
10. The Perfs
These adolescents love to post photos of themselves with phrases like ‘swag’ superimposed all over them. They’ll also tag everyone they know to get as many likes as humanly possible (while confusing everyone else like: “why is Sarah tagged as this young boy’s shoe?”).
11. The Cryptic Ones
Please don’t write: “Really bad day. Don’t even ask!” as a public status. Come on now.
12. The Creeps
Some people actually still believe poking people on Facebook is a thing, and they’ll make damn sure they use it as often as possible. The second they find you’ve deleted their old poke, a new one will replace it. Please stop.
13. The Witty Ones
Some statuses are worth reading, most likely cause they’re funny and not a self-proclaimed ‘rant’ (seriously, stop ending every sentence with “/rant over”). A rare commodity on Facebook cause you actually enjoy reading these.
14. The Fake Profiles
You have just one photo with half your chest exposed, and no mutual friends whatsover? Honey, this is Malta… you’re not gonna get away with that.
15. The Motivational Speakers
Everything they write sounds like it should be said in a speech; probably while mascara runs down their face as they accept a Ms. Malta award. For the most part though, they’re just free cringe-inducers.
16. The Kris Jenner Moms
Babies on potties are never cute Sarah. We don’t need to see a whole album of that, thank you very much.
17. The Group Chat Messengers
Group chats with friends: 10/10.
Group chats with people while you’re trying to organise a present for a big party and some guy just won’t shut up: -7/10
18. The Pretenders
Boy oh boy do they know all the best angles to snap their sushi at… but we all know (or hope) their life is not really that great. Or is it? Should we quit our 9-5 job too?
19. The Selfie-Absorbed Individuals
Hypothetically speaking: how hard would it be to hack into Facebook’s algorithms and ban users that post more than one selfie a day?