It’s hard to have any privacy on a rock covering 316 km squared inhabited by over 400,00 people. Here are a few situations in which you may have experienced a lack of privacy:
1. At the Pharmacy
‘Yes, min ried extra large adult nappies?!’
Customer: Umm…xi ħaġa biex inwaqqaf id-diahrrea insiblek?
Pharmacist (walking to the relevant shelf and calls out): Maħlul ħafna qed tagħmel, imma?
Customer: (sweating) Heh..mhux għalija ta…
A bit of discretion would be appreciated…
We suggest a confession-type room where the client and pharmacist barely see each other through a netted window, away from prying ears. As for acquiring the morning-after pill, you may need to invest in a disguise kit and false identification.
2. At The Beautician’s
‘Full Brazilian issoltu hux Mrs.Tewma? Tista tidħol room 2.’
If calling out your name and what you’re having done wasn’t enough, you might have another beautician storm in for some cream while you’re in an awkward position, biting a towel in pain.
‘Hemm xi panti minxur?’
For those of us who don’t live in a villa in Madliena, daily struggles include having to hang our clothes in the balcony, which is touching our neighbour’s who happens to be reading the paper in his Batman boxers again. He nods a ‘bonġu‘ while you hang your underwear in the subtlest place you can find.
4. At The Beach
It’s mid-August and you’ve managed to find a spot of free sand to dump your towel on. You’re so close to the next couple, you can smell the onions inside their ftira and feel intrusive listening to their conversation about how zija Grace needs a colon cleansing. So you pretend to sleep.
‘Qas nista’ nboss bikom! No, literally.’
5. Bowel Movements
I’m not talking about that little office toilet you share with colleagues and pretend you can’t hear each other peeing. I’m talking about us Maltese being open (a little too open) about things we probably shouldn’t. Knowing my carpenter wakes up 15 minutes early to have enough time to poo before work was not on my ‘Things-I-need-to-know-in-life’ list. #TMI.
‘Diġa għamilt darbtejn!’
6. On The Bus
You’re furiously typing insults away at your boyfriend on whatsapp (‘Why did you like her photo on Facebook? You’re a prick!’You know I can’t stand that hoe!’ ) while the person seated next to you seems to be looking straight ahead, yet in reality, her eyes are directed at an unnatural, potentially-dangerous angle – your screen.
7.The Doctor’s Waiting Room
A: ‘Allura…x’għandek? Tgħidlix li għandek gastric ukoll.’
B: Le, ġejt inħares lejn l-akkwarju ftit.’
Of all bloody times and clinics, that pest you knew back at school takes a seat next to you as you pray for your name to be called ASAP.
Bonus: What happens in Paceville…
Nightlife areas are pretty limited in Malta. If you want to party that is. You’re therefore likely to have seen your gynae or dentist in Paceville downing shots and doing the Cha Cha Cha at Fuego #awks. Separating work and private life is but a far-fetched dream here.