7 Stages Of Every Maltese Wedding
A run down of every moment of wedding season as it finally draws to a close
Weddings can be joyous events, filled with heart-felt moments of pure and everlasting love. They can also be the most mind-numbingly boring events in your entire year, turning you into an eye-rolling cynic muttering to yourself "Issa x'iżżewġu jagħmlu – mhux aħjar baqaw poġġuti?"
Here's all the things you feel when you're not looking forward to a wedding.
Stage 1: The Dreaded Invitation
Your first instinct is to start swearing as you think of the '70 eurown oħra!' that must come out of your hard-earned salary for a couple you couldn't care less about. The next thought is 'Min ħa nieħu miegħi?'
Stage 2: Libsa/Sjuwt Shopping
You've raided your wardrobe in the hopes of finding something suitable to wear. #Fail. You've already worn that blue dress to two previous weddings and there are photos of it on Facebook so you certainly can't get away with wearing it again. 'M'hemmx x'tagħmel,' you mutter, while cursing the hell out of Debbie and Gilmour under your breath.
Stage 3: Quddiesa Vs. No Quddiesa
Oh, the dilemma. Going to church means having to carry a shawl to cover your provocative shoulders and make sure your dress doesn't bare too much knee. It also means having to be there early enough to grab a seat close to a fan to keep your hair and make up in place, while avoiding massive sweat patches from forming under your partner's armpits. But before any of that, there's the dreaded parking; no swearing, no party.
'Il qaddisa x'mixja għandna! Sakemm naslu ħa jkollna riħa ta' fossa!'
Stage 4: Awkward Pleasantries
You congratulate the bride and groom whom you barely know, even though you predict they won't last five years together. They thank you for coming. You chase the bridesmaids to get rid of that envelope containing the seventy euro you've been carrying around since mass.
'Għidilha tiġi 'l hawn il-bridesmaid ħa neħles minnu dan l-envelope għax ġa ċappastu bil-fawndejxin'.
Stage 5: Kul Kemm Tiflaħ
Now that those awkward pleasantries are out of the way, it's time to scan the area for food that looks appealing to you. But the waiters have a knack of going the opposite direction you want them to, so you (as casually as possible) follow them and place yourself in their vicinity, acting surprised when they offer you a cute little mushroom pie. You make your partner grab a few more and throw them into your bag for the long journey back to the car.
'Ħudlu erba sangwiches lil waiter, taparsi għan-nannu.'
Stage 6: Ixrob Kemm Tiflaħ
Us Maltese believe in getting our money's worth, so if we're forced to give a €70 gift, we are not leaving the bar until we've drunk at least €50 worth of alcohol, diabetic or not.
'ABŻ mill-insulina llum!'
Stage 7: Doqqli Waħda Ta' DJ Guetta, TonyTony!
In less than an hour, you've gone from 'Il-qaħbeċ xi dwejjaq haw' to 'Ara min jgħidli li sejjer id-dar!' You're doing the bridesmaids' job and dancing around the venue, grabbing people out of their seats and forcing them to dance.
'X'jien daħna għidli!'
Bonus: The Morning After
You have no idea how you got home and whether you ruined the couple's most important day or whether they owe you a 'Thanks'. The nausea building up inside you hints at the former. You contact everyone you believe was at the party to find out the amount of damage control you need to do.
All is well that ends well...