Whether you’re a regular on Malta’s party circuit or your dancing days are behind you, here are a few things that might hit a bit too close to home.
1. The Paceville Steps
Paceville is where it all starts for most. As you adopt your defensive stance and begin making your way up the infamous stairs, the voice of David Attenborough suddenly fills your head, narrating the journey the same way he would that of a young salmon, making its way upstream against all odds.
2. “How did I end up at Nordic?”
There comes a point when we all ask ourselves, “Has it really come to this?” That moment is usually 3:30am at Nordic Bar, feet glued to the sticky floor while everyone inside (including the DJ) is belting out the lyrics to Livin’ on a Prayer.
3. Late Night Burger King
Often, the highlight of a Paceville night is actually the end, when at peak drunkenness, you bump into your friends at Burger King. The main source of entertainment usually involves harassing the poor guys working there at the time or flinging chips at each other until security throws you out.
4. Carnival in Gozo
Any self-respecting party animal makes the trip to Gozo every year for carnival. What usually ensues is a weekend of farmhouse-wrecking and debauchery. The journey back home on Sunday is a ritual in itself, usually consisting of an obligatory hungover mission for Maxokk pizza, before settling into a three-hour-long queue for the ferry.
5. Fashionably late. Always.
Ask any Maltese person who’s ever been to a social event and they will tell you that if the event says it starts at 10:00pm, there’s absolutely no point turning up before midnight.
Turning up late usually happens because of pre-drinks: the party before the party. This is always going to be loud, will probably feature at least one heated argument, and might very well take place out of the boot of a car.
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a designated driver in Malta. This is partly because your average party animal’s car in Malta also doubles up as a bedroom, both for sleeping in until the alcohol wears off, and also for sneaky trips to Pembroke.
Bonus: Divine Retribution
This last one is reserved for those special few, the crème de la crème of Maltese party animals, who go to Mass with their parents after a real bender and throw up all over the pews. You know who you are.