With all those worrying ‘real world issues’ going on around us, we’ve almost completely lost track of the more terrifying situations in life: what would happen if a completely fictional cataclysmic event took over the planet?
We’ve seen lots of foreign takes on this in a number of great TV shows, but what’s Malta been up to through all this zombie-apocalypse madness? Most likely, not very much as everyone would be dead within days, and here’s why.
1. There will never be enough food
Sure, the rations will last most people a long time, but we’re Maltese and require a lot more food to sustain us. You don’t really want your tummy rumbling while you’re trying to hide in a closet.
2. We’re too loud
There’s no such thing as whispering in Malta (well there is, but it’s never quiet). Regular conversations are basically shouting matches, and there’s no way we’d resist the temptation to loudly complain in any situation.
3. We’re packed on top of each other
If one person turns, it’s only a matter of minutes before the entire town (which is packed together in convenient boxes layered on top of each other) falls to the zombification too.
4. We’re extremely unfit
With sky high obesity rates, there”s very little chance we can outrun anything (even dead anythings). God help us if they’re more World War Z runners, than Walking Dead shamblers.
5. We’re too naive
Upon seeing the shambling figures in the street we’ll most likely assume they’re poorly and need help. By the time they’ve reached us (and started their feast) we’ve already planned their appearance on L-Istrina.
6. We can’t survive without electricity
Five minutes into any powercut and half the nation is suicidal. Can you imagine explain the concept that the fridge is never going to rumble back to life?
7. We’ll write them off as ‘tourists being tourists’
And we’ll do what we do best, smile and pretend we understand what they’re saying.
8. We’ll assume they’re our asthmatic neighbour
With rates of asthma on the rise, nobody is going to think twice about the heavy breathing roaming through our streets.
9. We’ll ignore it, and think it’s a mass meeting
Honestly, what else would you assume a large crowd of mindless figures gathering in the street to be?
Bonus: We’ll never take a warning seriously cause we’ll think people are screaming zobbi
Anyone who comes running towards us screaming “Zombie!! ZOMBIE!” is going to have an extremely hard time convincing anyone the threat is serious.