Apps Every Maltese Person Needs

Finally, a solution to the dreaded RUBS - "Thread Closed!"

Phone Gif

1. Will this push me out of the Will?

The love of a grandparent is often considered immeasurable. That is until a slip up at Sunday lunch sees you losing your share of Nanna's rooms reserved solely for guests at Christmas time, and a shoebox full of bedazzled jewellery. 

A well thought out algorithm that combines the level of conservatism of said relative (on a scale of "mass every Sunday' to 'a woman's place is at home'), with the severity of your actions (say, from 'basic blasphemy' to 'dating someone from a different political party'), could help prevent early bankruptcy.

App's working title: 'Will-it?'

2. Are We Related?

On an island with a population smaller than that of most cities, finding true love can be hard. Why complicate matters by allowing yourself to fall for someone who asks you to the same Christmas lunch that you were going to invite them to? 

To avoid crashing the app with too many false positives (we're all somewhat related here), the app will explain exactly how similar your DNA coding is, and then leave it in your capable hands to walk away from anyone you might bump into at a reunion meal for a long lost Australian relative.

App's working title: 'Cousin/Cousout'

3. Sawm Buffet

We live in a country blessed with a near endless array of days off work, and school, thanks to a list of religious and national holidays. The former sometimes come at the expense of our tendency for over indulgence. Luckily, the Maltese specialise in sacrifice without the suffering, and this proposed app will help you do just that. Fasting for Good Friday? Let the app show you the nearest restaurant serving up a mountain of delicious seafood. Enjoy your fast, without all that pesky hunger ruining your weekend!

App's working title: 'TML (The Marsaxlokk Loophole)'

4. RUBS Rage Evader

The Facebook group 'Are You Being Served' (RUBS) has about three unique posts, with 750 iterations of each. Whatever service you may need, from a hairdresser that opens at midnight on new year's eve, to a vegan, near sighted dermatologist, you can safely assume someone has already asked about this. So let this app dig through the endless posts on the group, and save you, and your family the shame of Moira Palmier's dreaded: THREAD CLOSED.

App's working title: 'RUBSish'

5. bet365: Aviary extension

Did you see a beautiful bird flying through the Maltese countryside? Whip out your phone and instantly scan it, allowing you to place bets for a chance to win large sums of (blood) money. 

How long will it survive? Will the shot kill it right away? How hard will they slap the hunter on the wrist before releasing him with no real consequence for his transgression? (Disclaimer: prior knowledge of hunter's relation to a Minister will result in instant disqualification from the competition).

App's working title: 'iDelizzju'

Written By

Chucky Bartolo

If there's no Mariah Carey GIF or reference to Eurovision in this article, just assume they've been edited out against my will.