Everything You Pretend You Don’t Do At A Maltese Buffet
Booking a buffet comes with a lot of emotional baggage. From the anticipation for all the amazing food to come, to the fear of the weight you’re inevitably going to gain – there’s no escaping the buffet anxiety. But everyone who walks in thinks they’re above feeling one emotion – shame.
Well, the truth is nobody is safe. You may think you’re gonna leave with your dignity still intact, but by the time you’re back for that third slice of cake there’s not much decorum left.
1. You walk in and scope out the competition
A large family of 12 celebrating their child’s griżma, an elderly couple here on holiday and a group of angsty teens using the vouchers nanna won at the tombla. The pasta and fries may finish early on – but at least the meat zone is relatively safe.
2. You make a serious plan of action with your comrades
Will you start with the antipasto and move onto the actual pasta, or will you live on the edge and have a cheeky plate of penne ahead of your soup? Agreeing on your intended course of action allows you all to move as a pack.
3. You rank things on the ‘worth it’ scale
That chicken breast looks so good, but is it worth the stomach real-estate it’s gonna hog when the mqaret look so divine?
4. You get confused by the English names for things
“Sorry, beef olives gifieri braġjoli?“
5. You face the real Sophie’s choice when you sit down just as the tray you wanted gets refilled
Do I sit down and appreciate what I’ve got, or make the walk of shame back to the tray and get my coveted stuffat tal-fenek.
6. You desperately hold on to your last shred of decorum
Whilst simultaneously holding onto your last slice of pizza and forkful of mqarrun.
7. You’re realise you’re now filled with regret and zebbug mimli
Seriously, why did I eat so many shitty appetizers at the start?
8. You make jokes, but also seriously consider stuffing food in your bag
Quick, someone drop a plate and distract the crowd! #Teamwork
9. You finally give up and pop open the top button of your shorts
It’s totally fine your shirt is long enough to cover it.
10. And you’ve suddenly got the space to go back for your 723rd round of food
Hello twentieth kannol.
11. You breathe heavily on the ice cubes left in your glass, hoping to melt them
There’s no way you’re paying for another bottle of water at the end of your meal.
12. You bob along, desperately fighting the onset of the food coma
Before giving in and passing out for a bit, only to wake and find the staff loudly cleaning things around you hoping you get the hint.
13. You map out the easiest route for your friends to roll you out of the restaurant and into the car
Where you will continue your nap and leave feeling accomplished and ashamed.
