Cockroaches, fireworks and having sex where you really shouldn’t – these are all hallmarks of the Maltese experience, but they’re also relative to how we get hella scared sometimes. And now that it’s almost Halloween, it’s the perfect time to jog your memory on all the dumbest ways you’ve ever gotten scared on our little islands.
1. Reading/not reading saħħa.
It’s 12:29 and the latest saħħa COVID-19 update is coming out in the next minute. Will it be one case? 100?
Deciding whether to read or not to read Malta’s daily active cases of the dread C-word is truly a daily mental battle. And whether you’re on team downplay or team lockdown – it’s a double-edged sword and you’re going to get scared shitless either way.
2. Seeing a cockroach break social distancing.
Summertime in Malta is synonymous with two things: being a beach bum and avoiding those ugly sewage beasts that plague our streets and houses. Cockroaches are literally everywhere (We even have our very own Cockroach King). And, when you spot them, they ALWAYS come closer. Maybe it’s because they can smell your fear, wimp.
3. Not taking out mother’s bragioli from the freezer in time to defrost.
We’ve all been there – our mothers ask us to do ONE THING – take the food out of the freezer to defrost, but the latest episode of Malta’s Got Talent is just too good to listen. An hour later, she’s back home, and you’re in deep, deep shit.
I’m sure we’re all glad belt-beatings are a thing of the last century, but you might get an earful of motherly priedkas that whole night.
4. Being in Msida when a single drop of rain hits.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
5. Fireworks (even during a pandemic).
Was it an explosion? A gunshot? The end of the world? Nope, it was fireworks, because those are still a thing, even though festas are cancelled. Cool.
6. Holding more than 5 seconds of eye contact with someone in Paceville.
It’s the golden rule – never make eye contact with ANYONE when you’re club or bar-hopping, you never know if it’s a harmless stranger or a serial killer at this point.
7. Walking when a World-War-Z-style barrage of language school kids passes.
Summertime in Sliema means avoiding massive groups of international quasi-alcoholic teens on their way to school or Paceville. You can see them from a kilometre away, smelling like pineapple-malibu drinks and pubescent sweat. But it’s too late now.
8. Not remembering how many paztizzi you ate last night.
Erm…did Bolt Food glitch last night or did I actually eat my weight worth of paztizzi?
9. Whenever we see Joseph Muscat comes back on TV.
PN supporters and protestors: *flashbacks to 2019*
10. When you’re walking in the countryside and you see a hunter.
Picture it: you’re having a leisurely stroll in Miżieb or L-Aħrax, away from the usual traffic and noise of the city. Suddenly, a man in camouflage passes by, causally slinging a gun in between the trees. Keep cool, this is normal, right?!
11. Going to Pembroke to do The Deed™ and seeing another couple doing The Deed™ closeby.
Pembroke is unofficially the sex Mecca of Malta – everyone has a story or two about some naughty adventures… but often others have the same idea as you. If you’re planning to get down and dirty, be sure not to be freaked out if you see another set of naked bodies moving about in the dark.
12. Nanna’s weird trinkets.
Why does every Nanna have endless creepy dolls, possessed-looking stuffed birds, scary religious statues and those haunting grandfathers clocks that ring at midnight?!
13. Every corner you turn in Mdina dungeons.
A creepy museum of tortured wax figures? Not creepy at all. The Mdina Dungeons has basically haunted every Maltese child’s dreams for over a decade.
This list proves that fear isn’t just Halloween – every other day is another opportunity to get dumbly scared in Malta.
Tag someone who gets scared easily