On the sixth day, God creates Eve – you know, from a rib. Eve jaqbadha xeba ġuħ. She bites the forbidden fruit.
‘Fjakkajt Adam? Ħa, ħu gidma.‘
Many years later, Maltese women still wish those two idiots had never bitten the apple and had instead, gone looking for coconuts or something. Here are a few ways Maltese women are still facing the music:
1. Getting your first period…
…and the whole village knowing.
Grace tal-grocer: ‘Prosit! Smajt li waqajt it-taraġ!’ (Congrats! I heard you’ve fallen down the stairs!)
Everyone seems to be happy you are bleeding to death, except you of course. But then again, you are fourteen and are thus not very happy in general.
2. Going to the gynae
Now that you’ve had your teeth fixed from that time you waqajt it-taraġ, it’s time to pay the gynae your first visit.
What’s the big deal? Every man reading this is thinking. Women all over the world go to a gynae! Correct. But what you’re missing is firstly, the challenge is finding one that isn’t related to you and doesn’t live in the penthouse above you and secondly, going to a gynae abroad ends the moment you walk out of the clinic.
Here, however, due to the size of the island, you may find yourself enjoying a bacon sandwich at Tony’s Bar when, crap, you realise your gynae is a few tables away.
You start mentally preparing for the worst case scenario – her seeing you. What awkward conversation does one strike up with their gynae outside the clinic? What do you have in common other than the fact that she has seen your bacon sandwich?
3. Trying to find a man that is taller than you
And when you finally do, you realise you’re taller than him in heels.
4. Meeting the kunjata
5. Who happens to be your gynae
You may have managed to avoid her that time at Tony’s Bar, but there ain’t no avoiding her inside her own house. When you finally get over the shock (you never really do get over the shock), you’re on your best behaviour. You try to win her over by reassuring her that her son will not die of hunger once you move in togeth-
MOVE IN TOGETHER?!!
6. Wearing heels is an extreme sport
Yet another damn wedding at Gianpula. After much swearing, your partner has found parking in some field and you are now walking along the most pot-holed road in Malta.
Thirty seconds in and you already regret wearing those heels; your boyfriend is shorter than you, the road is as unstable as your kunjata and to make matters worse, it has just rained so you’re basically walking through a swamp on stilts.
7. So many dresses, so sick of Paceville.
A section of your wardrobe is dedicated to a few elegant dresses you bought online. The tags are still attached. Paceville is too trashy to wear elegant dresses, the humidity is too high to wear them to a wedding – plus, you avoid weddings like the plague.
So instead, you choose to stand in your dress in front of a fountain at San Anton Gardens and chill with the birds.
7. Dealing with neanderthals
And not having a baseball bat to hit them in the face with. You are walking past a construction site, crossing the road in a sheep onesie, dragging a corpse in a bag, it doesn’t matter – you could be doing anything, anywhere, wearing anything at any time. Your loser-radar spots them from a mile away. They are watching as you approach the inevitable.
And it isn’t that you are big-headed at all. It is their caveman behaviour and total lack of subtlety that gives them away. Your heart is racing the whole time. You get there and as predicted, they pass a comment disguised as a compliment.
Well, there you have it! Here’s to you not being reincarnated into a Maltese woman!