You’re hungry, but the fridge is empty. You feel like tea, but you’ve got no milk. No, these aren’t long-lost lyrics to Alanis’ Ironic, they’re two of the strongest factors that will lead you to slipping on a pair of flip-flops and heading out into the real world while still in your pajamas.
The shop itself is just on the corner, how bad can things possibly get? The answer is: very and literally everyone you’ve ever met in your whole life is also shopping here right now. You know you can’t face them, so naturally you adopt the seven Maltese ways of avoiding conversation in a shop.
1. The ‘Dewfresh dive’
Throw yourself into the nearest freezer and pretend you’re looking for bbq sausages. You may accidentally flash the whole shop (if you’re in your nightdress) but it’s better than them seeing your face!
2. The most interesting text in the world
Stare at your phone and never look up. This text is the best text you’ve ever seen in your life. Quick! Squint at your phone to make sure you read it correctly!
3. The gbejna sleuth
Press your nose right up against the cheese counter, making sure to check the label on every cheese up for sale. Feel free to tut at sub-par cheeses, but do not engage the person standing behind the counter, your voice may be recognised by people walking by. For bonus cover, put your hand over your eyes to shield the neon glare.
4. The aisle dance
It’s all about being in the right place at the right time. Preempt the movements of the person you’re trying to avoid and consistently keep an aisle between you. At this point, you don’t care if you came in here for milk, you’re leaving with cat litter.
5. The sudden fascination
Similar to the most interesting text, this is the go-to for when you’re caught off guard. Simply move in close to whatever object is closest to you, and read the ingredients on that kunserva tin till the coast is clear once more. These are, once again, the most interesting kunserva calories you’ve ever read about in your whole entire life; so never look up from them.
6. The CEO slide
Time to channel your inner Brangelina and slip into character as you deliver the best performance of “person who constantly receives phone calls that require minimal answers on the receiver’s end”. For safety reasons, stick to non-commital phrases such as ‘ehe’, ‘ok fhimt’ and ‘mbad nitkellmu’.
7. The Store Manager stroll
No one walks into a supermarket just to browse, but you’ve managed to go undetected for so long, it’s not worth risking it all in the end.
You’re most exposed when queuing to pay, so make sure you wander aimlessly around the shop, pretending you’re just curious to see what they’ve got on their shelves, before sprinting like an Olympian as soon as the checkout is clear. For added effect, and to not look shifty on camera, pick up some random items and nod enthusiastically to show you approve of their life choices.