6 Tips To Help Language Students In Malta Get Their Shit Together
Winter is coming to an end, and it won’t be long before summer in Malta brings the return of sun, sea…and language students. Part of me envies their youth as I watch them begin their journey of self-discovery on this wonderful island, but most of me wants them to get the fuck off the promenade so I can reach a practical walking pace.
If you are a language student thinking about coming to Malta for the summer, we welcome you with open arms, but here are a few tips that will make your time here more relaxing (for me).
1. Consider reducing the group sizes
Malta is small, and this is true of the pavements here too. A lot of pavements struggle to accommodate even one person, so if you’re thinking about gathering together 30 of your friends for a slow, disorganised stroll down Sliema high street, I would recommend scaling back the invitations.
Make a list of all of your language student friends in order of how much you actually like them and cut out the bottom 25 completely. Ideally forever.
2. Learn how to use public transport
You will have to use buses a lot while you are here. I suggest practicing at home a few times before you get here, as public transport in Malta is not a place for the weak and uninitiated.
Try not to gather at the front door of the bus like a mob of terrified meerkats being transported back into the wild from a sanctuary. People need to walk through that door to get on the bus, and there are seven empty seats back here that you can sit in. We won’t hurt you, no matter how much we may look like we want to.
3. Try to streamline yourself
I don’t know why this is a thing, but you guys have a lot of hair. Like a lot. You also carry around the biggest fucking backpacks I’ve ever seen. This giant hair/backpack combination means that you can reach sizes of up to five times that which is necessary.
You weigh 40 kilos, and yet you manage to take up more room than my nanna, and she’s a voluptuous lady. Ditch the backpacks, buy some hair straighteners and make yourself as small as possible. This will also help you with the aforementioned pavements and buses.
4. Increase the surface area of your fabrics
You’re 15, yet you look 35. You wear hot pants so short I can almost see what you had for breakfast. It’s terrifying and it makes me want to throw my jacket over you like you’re a pigeon trapped in my living room.
You might see it as a cute summer outfit, but right now there are people looking at your nipples who should not be looking at your nipples. Perhaps consider adding two inches to your hemlines, at least until you’ve reached the age of consent. For the love of God.
5. Do not fear supermarkets
Language students in supermarkets always behave like it’s the first time they’ve ever been in a supermarket. It’s like they just landed on earth and are wandering around Tower confused and scared, but with an expression of wondrous awe as they pick things up and put them back down reeeeallly slowwwwwly.
The problem with this is that, well, carbs are very important to me – an emotional crutch if you will. I do not want to have to deal with a 10 minute bread delay because you’re standing in front of the bakery section staring at it like your head is about to implode. This is an in-and-out job. Decide what you want before you go in, have a stealth reccy to locate said things, buy and leave. Decide, locate, buy, leave. DLBL. Write it down.
6. Enjoy yourself, you’re only young once
Get ready for a wild summer, and one that you’ll remember for the rest of your life. You will make new friends, have a little summer romance, lie to your parents over the phone on a daily basis, experience a nightclub for the first time, get too drunk and throw up all over the French guy with the too-much-hair that you like, swim a lot, sun a lot, and just have an all-round amazing time here.
And who knows? You might even learn a bit of English along the way.