Many Maltese people may be ashamed to admit it, but traversing the streets of Gozo can get a little complicated without the help of good old Google Maps, that is until it goes out of its way to end your life.
1. One-way streets mean nothing to the app
“In 100 meters, turn left.” What the creepy robot voice means when it says this is: if you’re fine with risking a ticket at best or your life at worst, turn up this narrow one-way street residents like to speed down.
2. The festa is also completely ignored
No matter how many times you try and pick an alternate route, the system will insist on driving you through a series of sealed off roads and narrow alleys you’ll have to reverse out of because the banda is passing soon.
3. The internet connection is unstable and will abandon you at the worst times
Did you have to make a turn at an important intersection? Well too bad, because this is the exact moment your 3G will decide to take its own weekend break and leave you high and dry in the middle of nowhere (or Munxar, but that’s basically the same thing).
4. It never matches the actual road layout
You’re either on some weird trip where a bunch of fields look and feel like a perfectly normal road, or the app isn’t quite aligned with the street layout you’re traversing. Either way, good luck getting you bearings.
5. It doesn’t consider Gozo’s hills
‘Your destination is just 5 minutes walk away’ – sure, if there wasn’t a 200m high hill in between us. It’s a bitch in your car, can you imagine walking it? Hope you brought your inhaler.
6. It thinks valleys and footpaths are viable roads
If it’s barely wide enough to fit a car, and my handbrake isn’t enough to stop the car slipping to certain death, please don’t recommend it as a viable path.