1. “Narakhom is-sena ddieħla!”
Ok Pa, that’s enough Facebook for one day.
2. “It’s just a night like every other night – calm down”
Ok Mr Cynical Hipster, time to go sit in the corner playing Brikkuni on loop.
3. “Who’s going to be my midnight kiss?”
Ok lonely, with a public declaration like that the most likely answer is ‘no one’ (or that creep with zero mutual friends you added last week).
4. “Can’t wait to focus on me this year”
Ok Sarah, can’t wait to see how many selfies you post this year, if last year you weren’t focusing on yourself.
5. A long, emotional, heartfelt message liked by three people
Including said person’s mother
Ok Shakespeare, time to put down the bottle wine and do more dancing and less reflecting.
6. A long, emotional, heartfelt message liked by hundreds of people
All of whom want/need something
Ok Gandhi, your status about fighting for a better 2017 is just going to be a cringey Facebook Memory in three year’s time.
7. A status directly addressing the year
Dear 2017, please…
Ok Jane Austen, it’s time to close your Poetry for Dummies book and go outside for a bit. How does that sound?
BONUS: New year, new me
I.e. new year, same shit, just a lot more pretending you’re grown.