7 Things You’ll Experience At Any Family Barbeque In Malta
As summer is in its final stages, we Maltese seem unable to give up our famous (or infamous) family and neighbourhood barbeques. Armed with folding chairs, mosquito repellent and charcoal ‘minn tal-lidl’ – we venture to the nearest beach, family terrace or field and eat ourselves sick, drink ourselves silly and convince ourselves that despite being messed up, Malta remains our beloved little gem.
Apart from the copious amounts of food and drinks, such evenings are usually characterised by the ‘nearly scripted’ conversations which make such gatherings equal parts predictable, hilarious and infuriating. This is a non-exhaustive list of the moments that make these events so… colourful.
1. The very hot weather
Maltese people don’t just discuss the weather to fill in the awkward silence. We genuinely love to discuss the scorching sun, the humidity, the ‘riħ isfel’ and the unbearable suffocating heat. Cue the endless stream of phrases such as; “Ehhhh żmienha imma issa! Jekk ma tagħmilx issa meta trid tagħmel?”; “naħseb qed nixjieħ m’għadniex nissaportiha x-xemx”, “ħabba il-global warmink – rajtha fuq it-television!”.
2. Food: Round 1
At this point the meat in on the grill, the foiled potato jackets are ready to go, and everyone already over ate because there were literally 175 appetizers to choose from. But don’t even dare to turn down the burgers, steak, the legendary pink sausage, and at least some of Aunt Susan’s potato salad. In the improbable event that some courageous soul does turn down a burger, they will be accused of being a ‘health freak’ or even worse, a ‘vegetarian’ *horror*.
3. Bottomless complaints
If complaining was an Olympic sport, you know us Maltese would qualify every time. And now that everyone is sufficienty fueled up, the motor-mouths are ready to run. We complain about other Maltese people, about corruption, politics, the feasts, the vandalism, the lack of trees, the foreigners, the traffic, the refugee crisis, the inflation, the housing issue, the buses, the EU, the weather (again)… the list is endless. And then finally we come to the conclusion of: “kieku ma kellix irbit nippakja u nitlaq!”
4. Matchmaker, matchmaker…
If you’re between the gaes of 18 and 35, be preparedto be met with an array of unnecessarily personal questions at any given point. Your parents, aunties, grandmother and your neighbour’s best friend’s cousin will use any converstaion as an excuse to ask you about your relationship, or lack thereof, your exams grades, or your work plans. Your parents will be lamenting on the fact that they’re going to die without grandchildren, and don’t try and explain that you are still young, “għax iż-żmien ma jistenna l-ħadd”.
5. Nostalgia
And with this turn of events the older generation starts to inevitably compare tehmselves to the younger ungrateful, self-centred and unhappy generation. “Ma kellna xejn u konna ferħanin! Għandom kollox u xorta bil-geddum”‘. This leads to them reminiscing about their happy childhoods, their barilla family moments, the happiness of playing in the street with no cars and how life ‘back in the day’ was so much better. This theme is usually closed off with a period of long silence – as everyone takes a minute to remember the good old days, and partially doses off due to the amount of food still in them.
6. Food: Round 2
At this point the children would have started to doze off, the bbq fire is dying (perfect to make smores) and it’s time for dessert, but everyone is full to the brim. This is when the conversation about food is reintroduced, tweaked to reflect the guilt feelings of the evening. “Madoffi kemm kilt! Ha nisplodi – għada nibdew mmorru nimxu Joe”. And then the philosophical family member contributes with some final words of wisdom; “Uajma! Darba tgħix ta – aħjar kilo żejjed u ferħan”
7. Home time
As dessert also disappears, it’s time to pack and go. Tables, chairs and kids are tucked away in the car and rubbish is picked up and thrown away. This is the moment when everyone says they had loads of fun and that this should be done on a more regular basis, closing with the famous “ħadna gost ta, nerġgħu nagħmluha!“