Ah, summer in Malta – a bittersweet affair if ever there was one. Like Julie and Ludwig’s iconic song, our relationship with the sweltering Maltese summer is a little on again, off again. We love days spent lazying on the beach with a cocktail in one hand and a ftira in the other, but we really hate that huge, noisy family who set up their (messif) tent just a bit too close to our spot. The parties are lit like the church during your village feast, but OH MY GOD SOMEONE’S SWEATY ARM JUST TOUCHED ME. Anyway – let’s cut to the chase and check out the range of specimens you’ll encounter in Malta this summer.
1. The Personal Space Prowler
It’s hot. It’s sticky. People who are all up in your business during the winter months become unbearable as the temperatures rise and your patience wears thin. Don’t touch me, don’t hug me, and for the love of pastizzi don’t come within 10 meters of my bubble if you haven’t showered today.
2. The B.O. Bandit
Some people struggle with the concept of personal hygiene. Add 30 degree heat on top of that, and you get the potent aroma of sweat mixed with what seems to be a week of not washing… but fermented. Lovely.
3. The Beach Bunny
These are the ones who seem like they were born to be at the beach – and look damn good doing it, too. Sun burn is a myth to them, and sweat is nothing more than a scary story to tell by the campfire. Oh, and you’ll never see their hair give in to something as silly as 80% humidity.
4. The Vexed Vampire
Why is the sun so hot? And bright? And why is everyone so excited about it? Contrary to popular belief, Mediterranean people aren’t all sun-kissed and eagerly waiting for summer to come. Some of us mostly sit in the shade and pray for winter to come ASAP.
5. The Pink Panther
These poor unfortunate souls don’t tan. At the very most, they can manage a charming pink glow and like to slink from one patch of shade to the next. Be a pal and protect them from the sun if you can.
6. The Speedo Torpedo
Picture this – you’re soaking up some sun with your BFFs, having a laugh and watching the bright blue waves kiss the shore. Suddenly, small children scream and run to their mothers. Dogs howl. Governments crumble. You get the idea. What is it? A speedo roughly three sizes too small and slightly threadbare from years of use.
7. The Maaa Xi Sħanas
We’ve all been one of these at some point. Whether you’re genuinely feeling hot and bothered after being outside for more than a minute or are just trying to fill an awkward silence, the “Maaa xi sħana” (obligatory hand-fanning) has got you covered.
BONUS: The Beachside Brawlers
Just in case anyone out there thought their beaches were more badass than ours. Place your bets.