The nightlife centre of Malta, Paceville has seen many a drunken horny conversation. If you’ve magically just met the love of your life (or at least, of the night) and are looking for a place to get nasty, here are your options… and how viable they actually are.
Remember: it is illegal to have sex in a public place. We’re just humouring all the popular places with an objective (and sober) opinion.
1. The club’s toilet
Short answer: No.
Long answer: The risk and hygiene levels are just not worth it. No matter which club you’ve found yourself in, there’s a very big chance the toilets are going to be pretty filthy. If they’re not, you’re still setting yourself up for an unnecessarily short quickie which might be interrupted at any second by the next person desperate to use the bathroom… or even worse, the club security. And no; they won’t mind making a public fool of you and kicking you and your partner out. Not to mention, you’re basically just showing everyone in the club what your intentions are.
2. St. George’s Bay
This beach might be full of students in the morning, but at night, it’s… full of students. It’s definitely going to be a different type of homework though.
St. George’s Bay is extremely close to Paceville and quite dimly-lit most of the time, so you can kind of understand its merits. In between all that sand getting everywhere and everyone around you, though, it might not be the best decision. It’s also literally five metres away from one of the busiest roads in the area.
3. The beach next to Dragonara
It’s amazing what a short walk up the road can do to improving your public sex game.
The beach next to the casino may be rocky, but that’s always better than sand (which is both uncomfortable and leaves proof of the night everywhere). This place has even got a couple of nifty spots, including the huge Westin carpark full of dark corners. You’ll be spoilt for choice, but you’ll also be open for all the elements.
4. The Portomaso Marina
This one sounds good in theory, but it’s not.
First of all, the Marina being what it is makes it a highly-lit area. Secondly, you have no guarantee whether one of the yacht owners would want to go down to their million-dollar baby to chill.
Unless you own a yacht yourself or you want to run into a random perv who’ll offer to join in (we’ve heard stories), we wouldn’t recommend this place for your sexual escapades.
5. The Baystreet toilets
These ones are actually… not that bad.
Spacious, out of the way, and extremely clean, the Baystreet toilets on the complex’s first floor are your best bet if you’ve got a thing for doing it in WCs. Of course, you shouldn’t be thinking that in the first place, but who are we to judge?
6. Hopping into your car and driving to a nearby secluded spot
If you’ve got the luxury of a car (and are not drunk), then this might just be the next best thing to a bed (especially if the urge is real). Nearby favourites are Swieqi (just beyond the Manwel Dimech bridge), or the quiet backstreets of Pembroke, especially just along the beach next to the Reverse Osmosis plant.
7. Actually renting out a cheap-ass room in Paceville
The only real way to do things, if you actually follow the law that is.
Some rooms in Paceville cost around the same price as a tray of vodka, so maybe economise a little bit, and if you’re feeling frisky, prebook a cheap room and have it at the ready whenever the time is right. You might not want to stay too long after the deed is done, but hey; an actual bed!