Every couple of months, there’s at least one news source re-reporting that Malta has yet again made it to the top of the list of countries with obesity rates. This week, it had to be UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson to remind us about it.
While there are other things that Malta ranks very high at, obesity is always the one getting mentioned. So we took it onto ourselves to reimagine some of Malta’s celebrities with one simple addition – an added 90 kilos (that’s 200 pounds).
DISCLAIMER: We believe in being confident and happy in your body, no matter what size you are. What we are talking about here is not a few extra pounds, but a factual, unhealthy streak that needs to be stopped. If a meek suggestion won’t do, perhaps shocking comedy will.
DISCLAIMER 2: Adrian Delia is not on this list because, for some reason, every single app we tried refused to accept any of his photos as “a valid face”. We’re still trying to understand the massive implications there.
1. Joseph Muscat
Set in the alternate dimension where our former Prime Minister has the power to order all the pastizzerias to send daily turtieri if they wish to continue operating.
2. Michelle Muscat
“When you can down four chicken pies in 2 minutes come speak to me, my dear.”
3. Robert Abela
Sure he’s usually swole AF, but here’s what good old Bobby would look like if he instead swallowed a whole bunch of Happy Meals.
Talk about kontinwita’.
4. Simon Busuttil
The one where he gives up on his hopes and dreams of becoming Prime Minister and dedicates his life to being an official fast-food taster.
Corrupt? Barra. Hungry? Ġewwwwwwa.
5. John Bundy
Inti toqgħod fil-għoli? Tista tgħaddi drive-thru?
6. Ben Camille
He’s still trying very hard to stay ahead of the fashionista curve, but we’re guessing it’s going to be a little bit harder to squeeze into those slim-fit suits.
7. Davide Tucci
If you listen closely enough, you can hear the collective groan of a thousand teenage girls (and boys) at once.
8. Xandru Grech
With so many other competitors vying for the title of Middle-Aged Maltese Heartthrob, Xandru seems to have just given up and let go. It’s OK buddy, here, have another chocolate cake.
9. Peppi Azzopardi
He might’ve challenged Boris to a national dieting movement which will prove him wrong in a couple of months, but why not squeeze in a cheeky burger before it all kicks off?
10. Valentina Rossi
The best / worst part about this is that it weirdly doesn’t even look edited. Maybe it’s because of the “Don’t you dare touch my Double Whopper” look.
Those are not soldiers of steel Mintoff is so romantically gazing at – there’s a whole tray of Serkin pastizzi fresh out of the oven.
12. Ira Losco
Good luck walking on water now, Ira!
13. Gianluca Bezzina
Bless his soul, he never stops smiling… even if there seems to be some pain behind that eye-fat.
14. Kurt Calleja
You can forget seeing those dance moves any time soon – now, it’s all about making it to the kitchen counter.
15. Tiffany Pisani
At least she’ll still be a killer DJ… ?
16. Joseph Calleja
Which other celebs would you like to see fatified? Let us know in the comments on Facebook!