Growing up with the internet meant sometimes we saw things we didn’t really understand, or want to understand. One online trend is a list of hilarious, nonsensical sex positions with an uncomfortable twist at the end (such as The Angry Pirate or The Phantom – Google at your own risk).
Well it’s only fair that Malta gets its fair share of awkwardness, so here’s a few you probably shouldn’t try.
Warning: these will probably make you uncomfortable.
1. The ‘Twanny tad-Donuts’
Have you ever been to the festa and seen a guy sitting still while a machine churns out doughnuts like there’s no tomorrow. Well, the concept is the same. One partner stays completely still while the other does all the hard work, repeatedly bouncing up and down – boiling oil is not necessary… icing sugar is.
2. The ‘Axis Club’
This one’s more of an elaborate break-up-meets-sex-move and is the definition of the long game.
So you start by being an amazing lover, you make them wait a while building up slowly like a good Axis queue would, but as soon as you’re in, you give them the laser light show of their dreams (anyone under 25, ask an adult what Axis was like). You keep doing this over and over again till they’re completely dependent on you.
Then one day you just ghost them. Shut down, board up the windows and disappear like you never existed.
3. The Ftira
What’s a ftira without kunserva? Well, we’re hoping you can work this one out, but essentially the ftira involves waiting for a specific time of the month, and making the best use of the… err… kunserva.
4. The ‘Paceville Toilet’
This one is less about the physical positions, but rather the emotional state. A ‘Paceville Toilet’ encounter is simple: bumpy, steamy, uncomfortable sex with someone you’ll barely remember and definitely don’t want to talk to the next morning.
5. The Ġostra
Hide a small flag under the pillow and at some point during ‘the deed’ distract your partner by throwing it high into the air. While they’re not looking cover yourself in as much lube as you can for those few seconds. Carry on doing what you’re doing like nothing has changed while they struggle to stop themselves from slipping off.
6. The ‘Wudy Sausage Roll’
Have you ever waited in line at Maxims, bought a Wudy sausage roll, gotten super excited to eat it, and then the second you put it in your mouth it bursts and explodes hot cheese in your mouth. Yeah… yeah.