If you’ve ever indulged in the messy world of one-night stands, you are probably well aware of the sexual spectrum of possibilities ranging from immense pleasure to an absolute lack of it. It is the truest truth that comes with the single life.

Most of the time it is pure fun and games, a titillating tumble, the repercussion of one too many Jager shots when the DJ announces the end of the set at 4am. Everything’s going well, you’re on a high, maybe of the illicit kind, and you’ve snatched up your sexual partner for the next few hours. Anticipation builds – but doesn’t always deliver.

I’ve learned my lesson after making a few questionable decisions that inevitably always involved that widely available liquid that invalidates your better judgement and dignity (seriously, why is weed still illegal?), but my own failures could be the subject of another article.

These are sincere, experiential notes from depths of my orgasm-deprived soul. Maltese men and women, please take note.

1. Know what you’re working with

Unfortunately, some men find it necessary to gloat about their junk prior to the official unveiling. The answer to any such advances should invariably be no. I let it happen once and disappointment ensued from beginning to end. There was no motion in that ocean, there was a spasm in a murky pond.

2. And don’t forget there’s someone else in the room

You can decipher someone’s politics without uttering a word on the topic when they conclude, turn around, and leave you there stranded, unsatisfied. Your partner deserves to be pleasured just as much as you do. Sexual equality is essential.

3. Try and like, actually connect

Let loose, get lost in the other person, and devote some time to foreplay. Confidence is a major turn on. Throw in a cheeky chat, experiment with your bodies. Make the most of your brief time together.

4. And don’t just lie there

Laziness is always a deterrent, only permitted after a tough day’s work. Intimacy is supposed to be exciting.

5. You can’t make up for a small penis/shitty personality with money

No one cares about your cars and watches when stripped down to the bare essentials. No material asset will ever compensate for your phallus if it’s as dull as those beige leather seats.

6. Don’t talk about your ex prior, during, or after sex

Previous partners, serious or not, must be left out of the conversation if our bare butts are to roll down the slippery slope together. I honestly couldn’t care less, neither should you.

7. Orange juice would be nice in the morning

It’s awkward for both of us. STFU and be a gentleman.

BONUS: Whatever you do, do not mansplain sex

No-one will be impressed and you might actually end up reversing that one orgasm that I was able to actually achieve with you.

Tag someone who needs to learn a thing or two about sex

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Johnathan Cilia

Johnathan is an award-winning Maltese journalist interested in social justice, politics, minority issues, music and food. Follow him at @supreofficialmt on Instagram, and send him news, food and music stories at [email protected]