Breaking up in Malta is like being stuck in space without any oxygen: it’s going to be slow, painful, and you might even get brain damage in the process.
Splitting up with your partner in such a small isolated country means that everyone gets to watch with popcorn-in-mouth as your lovelife crashes and burns around you – and there’s no escaping it.
Everyone from the grocer to the baker to the candlestick-maker and their nanna is going to know who did what and who cried first.
They’ll also be curious to see what kind of life you have post-breakup.
1. You might be cast into the wilderness that is single life and lose your friends overnight
You thought those people actually liked you? Think again.
2. Or, even worse, you are stuck in the same social group
Wednesday: Dumped by her.
Thursday: Crying over her.
Friday: Pre-drinks at hers.
3. You could end up closer to your family than ever before
You literally totally forgot you ever even had a little brother.
4. Or your family could end up hating you
“James kien tifel sew Marie, you will never meet someone like him again,” your mother says about the boy who just broke your heart.
5. You end up changing your hobbies to escape your ex
Thought you liked going to the cinema? Think again. You like house and techno now.
6. And say goodbye to your favourite hangouts
Thought you liked going to the beach? Think again.
Anytime you ever even approach a sandy dune, expect to see their face, etched in the sand.
It’s there if you look closely
7. Fighting over custody of your joint Facebook account
“My name is first so technically it’s my account”
Lucky Malta legalised divorce then
8. Dragging someone around with you all the time just in case someone asks
“This guy? Yeah, he’s my new boyfriend. I love him.”
9. And unfollowing your ex and everybody related to them on all social media
*Unfollows own mother*
10. Eventually, you realise that you have to move on
There’s just not enough time in the day to avoid doing all of the things you love.
11. And you become the fabulous, beautiful being that you were always meant to be
You took an L for a second, but now you’re back and better than ever.