Using a ‘dating’ app as popular as Grindr can be an interesting experience; if nothing else it forces you to do a lot of soul searching. But if you’ve been using it for a while you begin to notice certain patterns of people emerging. Here are nine guys you’re gonna bump into if you open the app in Malta.
1. The brunġiel bachelor
“Wow this two minute conversation has been incredible… here’s a picture of my junk.
2. The guy who called you a ‘p*fta’ in Secondary School
We always knew we’d find you here, Matthew.
3. Your cousin
Wait, what? Everyone is free to live their life, but do they have to make it awkward by trying to bring it up in a: ‘lol, look at us, huh?’ kinda way?
4. The ‘ħadd ma jaf’ guy
Calling me bro, cropping your head out of every picture and having a subliminally homophobic bio doesn’t mean you’re straight… bro. If you’re so worried about not getting caught maybe don’t hook up with strangers.
5. The Christmas tree
One week they’re there. The next, they’re not. Then they’re back again. Their face keeps flashing on your list as they remove Grindr because they’re sure it’s true love this time (sure enough to post on Facebook to rake in those sweet, sweet likes). But they’ll be back… they alway come back.
6. The coordinated stalker
He knows exactly who you are (hello, this is Malta after all) and has been aware of your social media for a while. But seeing you on Grindr means he can now begin a coordinated ‘attack’ on you: liking your profile photo on Facebook, saying hey on Grindr and following you on Instagram.
7. The ‘Maltin biss please’
An even more niche version of the internationally-notorious ‘no blacks, no Asians’. Somehow while coming out, the deep-set fear/hatred of the unknown didn’t go-away. Cancelled.
8. The guy you remember from Mużew
His face is extremely familiar, and it may take a couple of weeks till it clicks, but suddenly you remember being the only two who didn’t enjoy the football breaks, and suddenly it all makes sense.
9. The obviously fake profile
No offence intended, but Maltese people have a pretty distinct look. If you’re gonna try catfish, maybe don’t choose the 6’7″ blonde Scandinavian guy you found on Google. It’ll be kinda transparent.