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9 Reasons You Absolutely Cannot Have A Threesome In Malta

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Whether a threesome is the epitome of your sexual fantasies or it’s simply something you think ‘maybe one day…’ – the truth is it’s probably not gonna happen in Malta. Sorry to burst your bubble and all, but here are nine reasons it’s always gonna be binary from here on out.

1. The Maltese may be partial to some gossip

We’re so into snitching, one of the actual people involved could be the one to actually spread the rumour about the fling, all while casually leaving their own name out. And God forbid a person outside the intimate trio finds out, because then it’s absolutely Game Over.

2. Our deep-set Catholic Guilt™ is hard to shake

Anyone even considering a three-way probably isn’t the most religious, however it’s hard to shake a lot of the stuff we learnt as kids at school and mużew. Sometimes we feel dirty for even thinking about stuff like that and we’re not sure why. Well, this is probably why.

3. And we’re just a little bit too traditional in our thinking

Even from a non-religious perspective, Maltese people are pretty set in their ways. And while gay marriage is now the law of the land and we’re (kinda, sorta) cool with it, we still tend to think in a very binary way when it comes to sex. 

4. There’s literally nowhere to do it

Unless you own an apartment, or are looking for an in-marriage three-way, the likelihood is that the logistics will never work out. 

With one partner you can tell your parents you’re just watching a movie together and slowly slip into the intimate embrace of it all. But how do you plan to pull that off if you’re looking to add a third person?

Also, good luck trying to have a three-way in your Honda Civic.

5. We can’t ask our friends about it

There’s a good chance you don’t know anyone who’s been in a threesome – or rather, you don’t know anyone who publicly talks about being in a threesome. 

Because of this, all the burning questions you may have before you take the plunge will remain unanswered as everyone keeps that heavy night in the Paceville apartment to themselves.

6. And we certainly can’t ask for it

Can you imagine if you reached out to someone to offer them a threesome and they weren’t into it? The definition of social suicide locally. You’d be the talk of the office/school/village for the rest of the month.

7. We’re a ‘go hard or go home’ kinda nation

One of the hardest parts about throwing a party in Malta is the guest list. Can you imagine if Pippa found out you invited Bettina and Sarah but not her? Two’s a crowd, three’s impossible – it’ll be a full-blown orgy by the evening.

8. We’re also a ‘no homo’ kinda nation

While the idea of a threesome may be quite enticing to some, a lot of Maltese men wouldn’t even come (hehe) within five feet of their friend’s naked body, let alone go through with the whole process.

9. We’re not even sure what we’re doing one-on-one

Let’s be real here, we’re not a sex-positive nation, which means even one-on-one we can get a little clumsy… which is totally fine and normal. But let’s be real, adding another body to the mix is only gonna make it worse.

Bonus: We. Know. Everyone.

It’s a bit of a cliché but as always it rings true. Everyone is a friend of a friend and there’s no escaping that.

Tag two people you’d love to have a three-way with

READ NEXT: 7 Places All Maltese People Have Been Caught Having Sex

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