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The 9 Cyclical Stages Of Every Maltese Summer Breakup

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It might be due to the heatwaves, the high population density, the higher percentage of exposed skin, or simply life, but when summer approaches, break-ups, just like temperatures, seem to increase exponentially. Here are the infamous steps right before and after a break up to soothe your soul if you feel you are going through this alone. Cause honey you are not!

(P.S. if you are reading this and wondering whether this is about you – well, it probably is)

1. Alarm bells

You start spotting cracks in the relationship. You try to patch up. You convince yourself you’re paranoid and rationalise irrational behaviour (even though you’ve seen it all a hundred times before).

2. Reality check

You grab the bull by its horns (or if you prefer, the boy by his balls) and you initiate the dreaded conversation. You act all mature and composed about it – without getting overly mad or extensively needy (lol joke). You are determined to salvage your dignity from this mess.

3. Walking away

You’ve discussed for long enough already, sought all possible solutions with only one remaining: walking away.

You hit number one on your speed dial, and your bestie comes to your call. Put him/her on speaker, blast some Celine Dion in the background and drive away bawling your eyes out, as your friend repeats the mantra “you’re strong – you’ll get through this – they’re not worth it anyway”.

4. Wreckage

The morning after.

You open your eyes (if you managed to get any sleep, that is) and for a second the birds are chirping. Then it hits you like a truck. You realise that it’s time to call in sick, nurse the migraine and repeat the cycle of sleeping, waking up, crying and sinking back to sleep.

May I add that at this stage, the ice-cream tub is a total sham. Nothing is going to get through that tight hatch in your throat any time soon.

5.  Am I even sane?

A couple of days have passed, you’ve dropped 4 kilos (silver lining) and your functionality is
close to nil. It’s the stage that you start questioning your own sanity. Are you going mad? Have you ever been stable to begin with? It’s just a break up, not a death sentence, yet nothing makes sense and it seems like nothing ever will.

People tell you to hang in there (where exactly? All is void. *DRAMA*.) So, you just try and make it through the day without bursting into tears in front of any unfortunate soul who crosses your path – if you manage, it’s been a good day.

6. Self-medication/ Project Comeback

This can’t go on. You still feel hollow, but days are passing by, work is piling up and life needs to be lived.

So, you cling on to anything which could make you feel better. It’s time to invest in all those self-help books, watch all the TED talks (now you’ve got time anyway), take up yoga and meditation, go for walks or runs, and hit the gym to pump up your endorphins. Start that salsa class and catch up with every single person who is willing to go out for a coffee with you. You will do anything it takes to get healthy.

7. Anger

This is that stage when numbness starts to be replaced by actual sentiments, specifically, rage.

You feel so angry at everything and everyone. But especially him… and men in general. It’s time to join the feminist movement, burn those bras and hate on men for being douchebags. If you enjoy writing, this step might also involve writing an article (*cough*), a novel or a blog entitled “How much men suck” (- part one). You’ve probably got enough material for parts two and three – or you can go full fantasy series and make it a seven-part saga.

8. Back in the game

So, it’s Saturday evening and, as part of Project Comeback, your friends have convinced you to join them for a party. You are totally not in the mood but agree anyway, because you are single now, and consequently have nothing better to do on a Saturday night. It’s been a while since you’ve seen yourself looking semi-decent but you make an effort, put on make-up and the dress which (now) fits you perfectly. You’re on fire baby!

9. Hello. Gorgeous.

You’re out on the dance floor, grooving without care in the world and then BOOM – Who. Is. that. Guy?

Shit, he’s making eye contact. Shit, he’s coming over. Before you know it, he’s hitting on you and you play along – cause after all why not? And by the end of the night, he’s got your number and probably some of your lipstick too (promise, the gin had nothing to do with this). And please don’t call him a rebound – he actually seems to be a decent guy!

BONUS: Rise like a phoenix

So, this new charmer you say?

You might be seeing him, you might not. Life is full of surprises. But one thing you’ve learned is that you can’t depend on others for your happiness. So, it’s finally the phase to throw your hands up in the air, laugh at life and pursue happiness. Cause life is too short for that much drama anyway.

Know someone who’s having a rough patch with their summer lovin’? Share this with them to remind them they’re not alone

READ NEXT: 7 Types Of Maltese Guys You’ll (Unfortunately) Meet When Dating

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