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7 Ways Malta’s Summer Keeps You Chaste And Virginal

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Spending days by the beach, scantily clad and skipping through the waves can get the juices flowing – but the heat we face every summer goes out of its way to make sure we remain pure and virginal for the entire season. Here’s why we can never really feel comfortable doing it in summer.

1. The sweat slapping sounds are horrible

What goes on behind closed doors is sweaty work, and that’s just a fact of life. But when you’re slipping off each other and squelching with every minor move, you know it’s time to take a break.

2. And it’s too hot to function

No one wants to be blinded by their own sweat, much less have to worry about heat stroke just for a bit of messing around. Even if you don’t sweat, every small movement is one huge hassle – and we all know small movements are the least of your problems.

3. The car is a no-go

Wanna do it in an oven? Then head over to your usual spot in your sex-mobil and enjoy burning yourself on the car seat, the seat belt’s metal, the handbrake and anything else that saw the sun for more than five seconds today.

4. As is any other usual spot

All your usual ‘secret’ spots, including the club toilets or the Gozo Ferry, are just as uncomfortable. With such a humid climate and a never-ending hours of direct sunlight every space is a danger zone.

Totally not the Havana toilets.

5. The A.C. won’t save you

Everyone probably thinks this could all be avoided by switching on the A.C. – sure you fight the heat, but we all know that performing the act under a blasting A.C. is just as uncomfortable. The exposed parts start to freeze, and as the sweat begins to form following the vigorous activity you’re suddenly exposed to a chilling blast on concentrated zones in your body.

That, plus it completely dries your throat out which is never helpful given your… situation.

6. And the beach is honestly the worst place for a quickie

If you think you get sand in every crevice on a normal day, you can imagine just how bad things get after you try rub down a little bit more on the sand. And the sensitive areas are, as their name implies, sensitive.

7. Smells are amplified

If you thought you could smell sex (we finally said it!) in a room during winter, wait until the extra fermentation meets the humidity in your room. There is no escape.

Tag your S/O who knows the pain

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