Sometimes it takes a little bit of TV magic to help us solve our day-to-day problems. Malta may be far away from Hollywood, but that doesn’t mean we can’t relate to the scenes we see on our favourite shows. Here are eight Maltese problems and their televised solutions:
1. Dealing with a crush on your Nordic igaming colleague: ‘Vikings’
Let’s face it: whatever your sexual orientation, the creatures from the North tend to have an undeniable allure, what with their tallness and blondeness etc.
Should this crush prove to be unrequited for whatever reason, your next best option would be to tuck into the History Channel’s fan-favourite series, Vikings. Historically inaccurate and cheesy it may be, but it will certainly quench your thirst for show-stoppingly attractive men and women from up North.
2. Dealing with life after all the ODZ land is gone: ‘Elysium’
This sophomore effort by District 9 director Neill Blomkamp may be a bit of a disappointment, despite the presence of Matt Damon and Jodie Foster among its cast.
But the dystopian idea at its core – after our planet is ruined, the rich fuck off to a fancy space station while the poor have to scramble for leftovers back on Earth – sounds like a plausible scenario for Malta once all the public land is finally taken up by foreign speculators.
3. Dealing with the relationship between food and your family: ‘Chef’
A dysfunctional set up a food truck and hope for the best. Spotlighting an emerging culinary trend on the island while also highlighting the connection between food and family… does it get any more Maltese than that?
4. Dealing with the Paceville party scene: ‘Project X’
Not just Paceville, but every student house party you’ve been to… or heard being organized by rowdy TEFL students from across the street. ‘Drugs, booze and a lawn gnome. Some parties last for a night. This one will live on through history’. Yep, sounds like a fantasy for many of us over here.
5. Living abroad and dealing with a need for the Maltese Islands: ‘Captain Phillips’
One of the undeniably great films that were shot in Malta is now streaming on Netflix. Tom Hanks and our very own water tanks!
6. Dealing with overseas politics you know nothing about: ‘White House Down’
With the US election looming around the corner, it’s good to have a digest of just what the hell is going on up there.
Honestly, White House Down may not really fit the bill here – being one of those the-American-president-is-in-danger-and-only-two-burly-agents-can-save-him-from-terrorists movies that used to be so popular back in the 90s. But it may be the perfect slice of escapism in these turbulent times.
The idea of Channing Tatum and/or Jamie Foxx solving the world’s problems by simply beating down on some bad guys is a nice fantasy, while you bite your nails at the prospect of Trump winning the real election come November.
7. Dealing with the void in your heart left behind by Angelik: ‘Tony Robbins: I Am Not Your Guru’
If you still have a soft spot for Malta’s favourite mystic despite his efforts being invalidated by the local Curia, maybe you’ll find some solace in this fluffy documentary about an apparently equally influential motivational speaker.
8. Dealing with your potty mouth: ‘No Filter’
A comedy about a woman who used to be a doormat, but who has since been liberated to say what she feels about the world and the people around her after a particularly powerful round of acupuncture.
Actually, scratch that: knowing how the Maltese tend to be outspoken to a fault, this is possibly the least Malta-appropriate show on Netflix right now.