In continuation of our original plea for Maltese versions of the binge-iest reality shows around, here’s a few more we urge producers to bring to our shores.
For educational purposes.
1. Border Security
An Australian programme featuring raids, arrests and officers dealing with suspicious behaviour at airports.
Malta version: The major part of our version would generally just show unenthusiastic members of the airport staff half-arsedly calling out ‘Next!‘ and motioning people to walk on. Yet the Maltese audience would live for those episodes on the off chance they’d get a sneak-peak into how drugs are found being smuggled into Malta hidden in pineapples. Or that random hijack behind-the-scenes interview.
‘Filli qed niekol il-panina bil-kwiet, u filli nisma’ wieħed jgħid li għandu xi splussivi. X’jibqa ġo fik?’
Zaylin Zerafa, Passenger.
2. Todders & Tiaras
This controversial show follows the lives of children competing in beauty pageants, who are dolled up with make up, hair and wardrobe styling and generally end up looking disturbingly tartish.
Maltese version: In a country where we value and encourage children to look older, Toddlers & Tiaras would be an absolute hit.
3. MTV Cribs
Welcome to my not-so-humble abode. This one is a show which lets curious viewers into the extravagant homes of the rich and famous.
Maltese version: We have all wondered what Hugo Chetcuti and Sai Mizzi’s houses are like. What secrets lie within? With this show, our wishes would come true. The nouveau riche don’t really know how to deal with their new-found money, so they end up spending it on expensive but tasteless things that actually make the house look tacky and cheap. We just hope the Maltese celebrities don’t fall into that trap. #MoneyDontBuyClass
‘Hawnhekk, bħal ma qed taraw, għandna xeba bolavostri, statwa ta’ljun, purtieri tal-Svarovski crystals…’
4. Judge Judy
This long-running show featuring Judy Sheindlin settling small but real disputes in a simulated courtroom has had audiences enthralled (and terrified) for years.
Maltese version: ‘l-Imħallef Indannat’ (The demonised judge) would be a favourite on our shores. Instead of having to go to the Valletta courtrooms, you could to get a sneak-peak of what other unfortunate souls are going through from the comfort of your home. Enjoy as a few suckers contest parking tickets and Charlie accuses Dumink of dumping his gaffa outside his garage door without advance warning.
‘Hekk, tefaħħa quddiem il-garaxx tiegħi, bħal bodbod!’
5. The Kardashians
The family that pervades every sphere of contemporary life.
Maltese version: Why watch it on TV when you can see it live?
6. The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills
A show that follows a group of rich wives who talk about each other… constantly.
Maltese version: Would it be something like Sliema Wives – the book by Gerard James Borg? Probably. Brace yourselves for rich women playing bridge while having vintage cheddar and chutney finger sandwiches.
‘I was so totally frazzled on that yacht yesterday, honestly. The sea was so choppy.’
Bonus: Teen Mom/16 and Pregnant
The title doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Minors getting pregnant. Parents reacting. The drama and tribulations leading up to giving birth and then some.
‘Ħa tgħamilni nanna Brenda tiegħi thanks God!’