How We Really Feel About Malta’s Facebook Wedding Season
Countdown to the big day
In case you had forgotten that every member of the Class of ’87 was getting married this year, their best friends, cousins, sisters, and future mothers-in-law are here to remind you. Every month.
The annoying hen/stag post
You thought you had reached the age where men wearing synthetic, sweat-ridden, morph suits and women in pretend funny/tactfully slutty costumes were a thing of the past. After all, you vowed you would never return to Nadur Carnival no matter how much fun you had freezing your tits off that one weekend ten years ago.
But this time it’s not the vile procession of degenerate costumery that’s invading your personal space, it’s your own Facebook feed – littered with snaps from the most “awesome last night of single life!” for the scores of people you give precisely zero shits about.
The couple that posts together…
Public displays of affection are grating, but you can almost persuade yourself to close an eye if it’s young, new love that hasn’t yet been tarnished by the grime of relationship truths. Seasoned couples have no business displaying their love to the masses; not physically, nor via matching Facebook statuses. Stop it.
Say yes to not commenting on the dress
Of course I loved her dress and feel moved to comment on her candid, powdery, caught-off-guard, wedding profile picture. It was really different from all the other strapless, ivory, ball gown dresses that came before it.
Selfie preservation
Plucked, pulled, painted, but never plastered; wedding selfies are strictly confined to the sober quarter of the night and not the last part, by which time flip flops have replaced rhinestoned peep-toes, and strapless bras have slid down to mid-boob as a state of permanence.
The bride that keeps on giving
Amidst all the new wedding hype, one bride maintains a white-knuckle grip on the legacy of her former big day. Lest we forget, her wedding-profile-pic carousel will serve to remind us all of her eternal marital bliss.
Just when you thought it would go away…
The first “she said yes!” post grenades itself onto your screen. Unfriend now, or forever hold your peace.
