When you think about it, it’s actually amazing how many great films were shot in Malta. That’s all well and good, but no amount of Gladiators or Captain Phillips(es?) is going to come close to some of the biggest and most classic blockbusters of our time. So what if those weren’t just shot in Malta, but were actually in Maltese, tackling the plots with a local twist? What with our brutal honesty and extreme bluntness, we’re pretty sure that Maltese posters and movie titles would probably look very different:
1. Fejn iż-Żobb Hu Ibni?
Original: Finding Nemo
Do you think a grieving Maltese fish that’s lost his son is going to be calm and polite about this? Think again. “Dak mingħalih xi clown ta'”, after all!
2. Harry Mażun u l-Okkult li Jweġġa l-Mulej
Original: Harry Potter
Another clear case of our (sometimes hardcore medieval) Christianity getting in the way of some good clean fun. Remember back in 2001 when we were urged to not watch Harry Potter because it was basically a satanic series? Yeah, we’ll never forget.
Harry Mażun is a young boy who learns on his eleventh birthday that he has the power of Lucifer, and goes on an adventure to discover what that means in the first of the series: L-Okkult li Jweġġa l-Mulej.
One of the few cases on this list where we thought a direct translation (or as close to that as possible) would actually be better. Short, concise… and who wouldn’t be scared of a guy in a full leather outfit in the middle of a summer heatwave who comes up to you and whispers, “Jien Farfettu”?
4. Il-Mara Ħażina
Original: The Exorcist
Many famous Hollywood movies capitalise on the country’s history and culture, so why not do the same? A great nod to the 2010 viral video that has half as many views as we have people living in the country, the film tells the story of a simple bus ride that goes very wrong.
5. Ħalib Frisk
Original: Clockwork Orange
You see, no matter what you think the most important recurring theme of Stanley Kubrick’s classic was, you’re wrong. It was the milk. And with Benna’s fresh milk in their system, we’re willing to bet that Alex and his Droogs would’ve committed far worse things.
6. I.I. (Immigrant Illegali)
Original: E.T. (Extra Terrestrial)
The original (*cough* inferior *cough*) film has this as its tagline: “He is afraid. He is totally alone. He is 3,000,000 light years from home.” So yeah, that’s decided then.
7. L-Alla taċ-Ċrieket
Original: The Lord of the Rings
No significant plot or name change required here – that is objectively a better title and you know it.
8. MV Armada Mediterrana (aka The LNG Tanker)
Fine, the title’s a little bit more of a mouthful. But imagine how more magical of a love story Jack and Rose’s would’ve been if it were set on the newly-arrived LNG tanker, just mere moments before it meets its demise in a mushroom cloud that will apparently engulf the entire country.
9. Il-Falda Tikolha Ukoll?
Original: The Silence of the Lambs
Finally, a film about cannibalism that tackles the more important issues that no one ever talks about. Just when do you stop when you’re eating a fellow human?
10. ER DAJ-2
Let’s face it – the characters in Star Wars don’t “run into sticky predicaments”. They just constantly get royally fucked.
People die left, right and centre, limbs are frequently lightsabered off, and protagonists mistakenly fall for their sisters (we’re already in relatable grounds). Might as well just call it what it is and make R2D2 the protagonist. All we’d need is an interesting rename.
11. Skarfejs (starring Hugo)
No explanation needed; this just seems like a match made in heaven.
Again, this is just amazing to see being directly translated. This time though, a simple language change loses all possible effect. Oh Maltese.
13. Montekristo Park
Original: Jurassic Park
“You don’t know man! You’ve just been to the visitors’ area. I sneaked into the inner labs last night. Screw tigers bro, those guys are growing dinosaurs in there!”