Statistically speaking an awful lot of Maltese people grew up as fat kids. Those who were blessed with good metabolisms spent their childhood sprinting with never a care, and they will never understand the pain that came with being the fat kid. But this article will help illuminate the struggle.
1. Annual, P.E. physical tests
From the uncomfortable weigh-in in front of everyone, to the zero pull-ups you were able to do, the yearly physical with the rest of your class was nightmare inducing.
2. Changing your school uniform every year
Your mother may have told you it’s cos you’ve grown taller, but the Maltese shop assistant is unlikely to hold back. They’ll use what they think are soft phrases like: “big boy” – but you’ll get the message loud and clear.
3. Playing at the swings
Apart from spending most of the day hiding out in the shade and wondering how long till your friend’s parents offer everyone ice cream, you’ve mastered a few rules to help you avoid public humiliation.
See-Saw: your friends will NEVER manage to lift you and you’ll stay stuck at the bottom.
Monkey bars: completely impossible. Don’t bother.
The swings: only for sitting. And even then it’s a risk.
4. Being in a performance
From having to change in front of everyone backstage to freaking out every time your t-shirt lifts up when you spin, performances were a great way to boost your confidence but also increase anxiety levels.
5. Going to outdoor parties with your friends
This one is simple. Skinny kids never understood inner-thigh chaffing. And what’s worse than being mxawwat with a bunch of kids who just want to run around and play stuck-in-the-mud in Buskett.
6. Or worse, football parties
Apart from being picked last or being forced to be goalie (weird how kids suddenly understand the concept of surface area) the idea of running for two hours straight appealed to literally no fat kid.
7. Attending any event that includes a boat
The little wobble that always happens as soon as you first place your foot in the boat is enough to send your fat-kid anxiety into overdrive. Are you about to slip and fall into the sea? Will you be capsizing the whole boat and ruining the entire day? Will the waves you created send shockwaves across the island? Who knows.
8. Being included in a game of spin the bottle
Your friends were nice enough to include you in the game, but the look of horror that comes over the person chosen to kiss you on the cheek is one you will not be forgetting any time soon.
One way to recover from that pain could be walking away from the game and just sadly eating an orange on your own while wondering why Lucia was so disgusted to just kiss your cheek…. or something similar anyway.