Summer is behind us, and as the temperature drops to a chilling 20°C, self-control and the seven months you spent dieting can kiss your (now very white) ass. That is until you start knocking things off shelves with your Kim K booty, like a voluptuous bull in a China shop – then it’s time to panic again.
Here are the seven commandments which encourage weight gain during Maltese winters:
1. La Tkunx Stramb
Thou shalt not be a weirdo
December is every introvert’s nightmare. You are expected to celebrate and share the Christmas spirit with every single person you know, but fitting everyone in means having to reluctantly accept every lunch/drink/mulled wine-and-mince-pie-Sundays invitation you receive. There goes your alone time for a month.
‘Ħalluni bi kwieti’
2. La Turix Iż-Żokra
Thou shalt not expose thy navel
You’ve added yet another layer of clothing to keep yourself warm and now find yourself looking like you’re about to board a Ryanair flight after having refused to pay for extra luggage. Layers: all the more reason to have that extra slice of Christmas pudding a month before Christmas. #YOLO
‘Uwijja…biċċa oħra Pannettone!’
3. La Tħarbatx
Thou shalt not waste food
Maltese people don’t like to waste food, which is a positive thing. The only problem is that we end up eating Christmas leftover lasagne, turkey sandwiches and Ferrero Rocher for two months after.
‘Ħa niftaħ il-buttuna għax ħa jixpakkali l-qalziet.’
4. La Tixxarrabx
Thou shalt not get wet
Dog-walking? I think not. It can pee inside today.
It’s raining again and the fact that umbrellas here are totally useless because they end up upturned with the wind as soon as you open them doesn’t help. Your house turns into a temporary war bunker. You stock up on all the necessities for survival to avoid having to set foot past l-intrata.
‘X’inhi nieżla tax-xita! Ma nistax immur niġri issa! Is-santa dinja!’
5. La Tiksaħx
Thou shalt not get cold
In the absence of central heating in Malta, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do to survive i.e eat as much as possible to stay warm. And we won’t stop till we look like Shamu. #SurvivalOfTheFittest
6. La Tiċċaqlaqx
Thou shalt not budge
You’re finally warm and can’t be arsed to get out of bed to pee, let alone go outside (and burn calories in the process) #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat
‘Ara min iqajjimni minn hawn.’
7. La Taqax Ħażin
Thou shalt not slip into a pit of despair
You’re depressed that everyone got engaged on New Year’s Eve so you drown your sorrows in carbs while watching ‘How to be single’ and consoling yourself by reading celebrity breakup news.
‘X’breakdown ġej, għidli!’