They work long hours in tough conditions with enormous pressure and stress, often in life or death situations, with a very thin line between success and utter failure.

So the last thing they need is someone showing up on some dumb shit.

Unfortunately, that is what they get, daily.

Below are just some of the things real Maltese doctors have experienced. Read them, and learn what to avoid telling your doctor next time you pay them a visit.

1. Older Maltese men don’t do hospitals

Doctor: “X’ġara allura [patient name]?”

Patient: *turns to his wife* “Għalfejn ġejna, Dor?”

2. Doctors can’t X-ray your brain

Doctor: “Allura kemm ilhu hemm l-uġigħ?”

Patient: “Ilu ftit.”

Doctor: “Kemm bejn wieħed u iehor?”

Patient: “Ilu.”

Doctor: “Ġranet, ġimgħat, xhur?”

Patient: “Ilu.”

3. Never assume your patient knows how to use a suppository

When your doctor tells you to put your pills “fil-patata”, he doesn’t literally mean in your potatoes. Like, seriously guys, seriously.

4. You do not in fact have the entire government drug formulary inside your head

Doctor: “Tieħu xi mediċini tad-djabete?”

Patient: “Ija ta. Pinnola zgħira.”

Doctor: “… Taf tgħidli l-isem?”

Patient: “Ma nafx ta. Il-kulur abjad, imma.”

Doctor: “…”

5. When stating the obvious needs to be a thing

Doctor: “Għandek xi problemi tas-saħħa?”

Patient: “Le ta.”

Doctor: “Tieħu xi mediċini?”

Patient: “Mela ta” *fishes out three lists*

6. The Emergency Department is for emergencies

If you show up to the Emergency Department because you felt dizzy after smoking a joint, you are doing life wrong.

7. Slipping and falling on an apple/cucumber/tub of Sudocrem is a physical impossibility

Falling anus-first is pretty unlikely; gravity can only do so much.

8. Inhalers can be misused

No, it’s not deodorant or a perfume. You need to inhale it. No spraying and waltzing into a cloud of Ventolin.

9. Vegan, GMO-free procedures

Doctor: “Yes, this blood transfusion is critical for your continue care.”

Patient: “Is it gluten-free?”

Doctor: “… Gluten-free?”

What. The. Actual.

10. Seriously, you don’t need antibiotics

Patient: “Mela mhux ser ittini antibiotics?”

Doctor: “Le, għandek virus. Antibiotics m’humiex ser jgħinu.”

Patient: “Żgur imma?”

Five years of medical school clearly well-spent.

11. Sick-certificates for the casual no-show

Patient: “Għax I was sick ten days ago. Can you prepare a sick cer-“

Doctor: “No.”

Tag a doctor you know who can relate to this!

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