They work long hours in tough conditions with enormous pressure and stress, often in life or death situations, with a very thin line between success and utter failure.
So the last thing they need is someone showing up on some dumb shit.
Unfortunately, that is what they get, daily.
Below are just some of the things real Maltese doctors have experienced. Read them, and learn what to avoid telling your doctor next time you pay them a visit.
1. Older Maltese men don’t do hospitals
Doctor: “X’ġara allura [patient name]?”
Patient: *turns to his wife* “Għalfejn ġejna, Dor?”
2. Doctors can’t X-ray your brain
Doctor: “Allura kemm ilhu hemm l-uġigħ?”
Patient: “Ilu ftit.”
Doctor: “Kemm bejn wieħed u iehor?”
Doctor: “Ġranet, ġimgħat, xhur?”
3. Never assume your patient knows how to use a suppository
When your doctor tells you to put your pills “fil-patata”, he doesn’t literally mean in your potatoes. Like, seriously guys, seriously.
4. You do not in fact have the entire government drug formulary inside your head
Doctor: “Tieħu xi mediċini tad-djabete?”
Patient: “Ija ta. Pinnola zgħira.”
Doctor: “… Taf tgħidli l-isem?”
Patient: “Ma nafx ta. Il-kulur abjad, imma.”
5. When stating the obvious needs to be a thing
Doctor: “Għandek xi problemi tas-saħħa?”
Patient: “Le ta.”
Doctor: “Tieħu xi mediċini?”
Patient: “Mela ta” *fishes out three lists*
6. The Emergency Department is for emergencies
If you show up to the Emergency Department because you felt dizzy after smoking a joint, you are doing life wrong.
7. Slipping and falling on an apple/cucumber/tub of Sudocrem is a physical impossibility
Falling anus-first is pretty unlikely; gravity can only do so much.
8. Inhalers can be misused
No, it’s not deodorant or a perfume. You need to inhale it. No spraying and waltzing into a cloud of Ventolin.
9. Vegan, GMO-free procedures
Doctor: “Yes, this blood transfusion is critical for your continue care.”
Patient: “Is it gluten-free?”
Doctor: “… Gluten-free?”
What. The. Actual.
10. Seriously, you don’t need antibiotics
Patient: “Mela mhux ser ittini antibiotics?”
Doctor: “Le, għandek virus. Antibiotics m’humiex ser jgħinu.”
Patient: “Żgur imma?”
Five years of medical school clearly well-spent.