How To Tell When You’re Actually Depressed
How do you know when you’re depressed? This blogger writes candidly about his experience with the illness. Through the writings, the indicators of the illness are highlighted – what it really feels like to be depressed, and how you know it’s legitimate.
A few years ago I started dealing with depression. At first I didn’t know what was happening to me. I thought it was just a bad day, a bad week, an off month. “Seasonal” depression is possible – but when these feelings don’t go away, when all the things that once gave you joy don’t anymore, when you can barely speak about yourself because you feel so lost – that’s a red flag, and that’s depression.
Here’s what it feels like in more detail.
1. You continuously ask yourself if you’re okay
Friend: What’s up?
Me: Not much…
Friend: How are you?
Me: Not bad… Got to go though.
Friend: Bye!
That’s the typical conversation I would have 9 months ago. Back then I had no idea what was wrong with me. I had no idea if I was living or existing. And people kept asking me if I was ok. I kept asking myself that question for quite a long time. But I had no answer. I couldn’t figure out what was so obviously abnormal about me.
After a while I started to notice what was going on. I started to leap out of social activities, I started to avoid people and their conversations. I avoided going out on dates; and if I did I made sure it went horribly wrong, just so I’d have one less person to talk to. Was I aware of the damage I was causing myself? No, I wasn’t.
“I think of depression as the mind building a wall”
2. You purposely hide your emotions
I think of depression as the mind building a wall. Every time I found myself in an uncomfortable situation I would mentally put up another brick on that wall, slowly hiding myself behind the wall with no motivation to ever break it down.
After a while I realised I was hiding from myself. I made it a point to hide my emotions. Instead of looking sad, I would smile. Instead of talking to someone about what’s going on, I kept to myself.
3. You lose interest in things you love
It’s not just the mind that compels you to feel down and worsens every passing thought, lining it with negativity. No – depression is far more complicated than that. Slowly you start to lose interest in the things that give you pleasure in life. The normal daily activities suddenly become a chore, something you start forcing yourself to do.
Gradually your skin starts to become pale, your hair dries up and and well, stops being hair. And every breath you breathe will be felt in the pounding headache that no form of medication can relieve.
“The closest people to you become the most irritating people on earth”
4. People begin to irritate you
Days start to become longer – you start losing touch with most of your emotions until only guilt and sadness remain. The closest people to you become the most irritating people on earth.
You fail to see the good in people and you cannot understand why they try to keep on pushing you to smile. Their constant need to see you get better makes you question yourself, and gradually your mind starts to spiral again into an abyss of ‘ifs’ and ‘whys’.
“You’d rather stay in bed than eat, you choose to be alone instead of with people”
5. Exhaustion hits
The worst part of it all is the exhaustion. You won’t be able to understand why you’re sleeping so much and waking up more tired than before you fell asleep.
You start to lose weight, and realise you’ve been skipping meals. When you’d rather stay in bed than eat, and when you choose to be alone instead of with people, your body starts to seek more energy sources – so you sleep for seventeen hours in the day.
6. You feel like you’re suffocating
Once, when I was becoming aware of my condition, I was browsing through the internet and came upon this comparison:
“What does depression feel like?” someone asked. “It feels like you’re drowning, yet you see everyone else around you breathing.”
This sums up what I’d been feeling for so long.
“It feels like you’re drowning”
7. You feel like you’re alone
The people around you that are trying to make you feel better, do so only because they love you and want the best for you. And if unfortunately you’re going through this alone, then understand that you’re not the only one.
Try talking to someone, even if you are unsure whether you are depressed or not – you won’t know until you do.
If you are suffering from depression or any other type of mental health problems, there’s a bunch of great organisations in Malta you can reach out to for help – you’ll find them listed here.