Japanese People In Malta Discuss The 6 Main Differences Between Our Nations’ Public Toilets
We’ve all experienced the joy of using a public toilet in Malta; at the beach, where you can smell the stench of urine from a kilometre away, or in Paceville, where getting to the throne requires having to cross a swamp of muddy water (or urine, you can never be sure these days) and where finding toilet paper is a luxury.
Then there’s the toilet experience in Japan. Japan, known for being both cutting-edge and eccentric with its snazzy robots and weird gizmos. Yet one thing that does remain constant in the land of the ever-advancing, is the wonder that are its toilets. Or more precisely, ‘washlets’, as they are a magical combination of toilet and bidet, making the mundane number one and number 2 an enjoyable bathroom experience.
Here is a heart-warming comparison of the public toilet experience in Malta and Japan.
1. The Kinder Sorpresa moment
It’s that moment you’ve been putting off for the past hour now, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. You do a quasi-jog to the toilet, waving at people you know – and don’t particularly like – on the way, trying not to open your legs too much with each step in case the pee starts trickling down.
In Malta:
You eventually get there without leaving a trail and dart to the nearest vacant cubicle. There’s the split-second hesitation before you open the door, that familiar What-will-I-find-inside-dread. Just like opening a Kinder Sorpresa, minus the excitement. The possibilities are endless.
In Japan:
You are greeted by an automatically-opening toilet as you approach it. No contact, just the way they like it, aha, aha.
2. Sitting your ass down
In Malta:
Once you’ve semi got over the horror that awaited you inside, you find the seat is also wet, and probably not with Chante Clair. Which means you will have to squat in order not to get your ass covered in someone else’s urine if you’re a girl. The trauma doesn’t quite apply to men.
In Japan:
A built-in heater warms the (perfectly clean) seat to an approximate body temperature, guaranteeing a pleasant experience.
3. Masking the noise
In Malta:
‘Mur taparsi qed tixxotta idejk bil-blowdryer ta’ l-idejn Brandon!’ This is where multi-tasking comes in handy. You’ll need to whistle loudly and cough simultaneously as you let that fart out slowly, hoping your body won’t surprise you.
‘Għidtlek itfa’ naqa Slipknot Philbert ħalli ma jisimgħu xej!’
In Japan:
A built-in speaker referred to as Otohime (‘sound princess’) plays music so you can relieve yourself in peace without disturbing others from doing so themselves.
4. Entertainment
In Malta:
Even though you wouldn’t dare touch the seat, you still pray you’re not getting a urinary tract infection. You then think of ways to entertain yourself for the following few seconds.
‘Guys, currently contracting a UTI. What you all up to?’
You – WhatsApp group chat.
In Japan:
Keep yourself occupied and experiment with the plethora of buttons on the remote attached to the wall. One bidet button will make warm water spray from a nozzle angled at 43 degrees – the optimal angle to reach your butt hole. The water pressure is adjustable, of course. The Japanese are proud of their self-cleaning function nozzle, which ensures that water splashed back wont cause sanitary problems. Finally, once you decide you are satisfactorily clean, there are the drying options.
Ah, che frescezza.
5. Incidental stains
In Malta:
It all starts with a ‘Yaq guys there are skid marks!’
You immediately drop the lid back down where it belongs and cover your mouth to keep the duck spring rolls you’ve just eaten, inside. The front door opens and you panic, you don’t want the next person to come in to think you’re responsible for the abstract artwork splattered on the inside of the toilet.
You put on your most disgusted face, open the door to face the person waiting and make it very clear;
‘Ara mhux jien kont…’
In Japan:
Toto (the popular Japanese manufacturers)’s modern toilet bowls have a nanotech coating on the interior to defend against incidental stains and prevent waste from sticking to it long after you’ve flushed. Heaven, I say.
6. …And when the deed is done…
In Malta:
You flush with your baby finger in order to get germs on the smallest surface area possible and then proceed to getting the fuck out as fast as you can.
In Japan:
Toto toilets use the ‘tornado flush’, a process which uses less water. The newer washlets spray sterilizing water – which is totally environmentally-friendly – to the basin. No OCD triggers over closing the lid because, you’ve guessed it, it too is automatic!
‘Kif jibqgħu daqshekk irqaq daw l-ostra Ġappuniżi, kollox awtomatik?’
So before telling a Maltese kid ‘Mur agħmel toilet‘ in Japan, make sure he holds a degree in engineering.
Cheers to a cleaner oshiri (arse)!