Welcome to Malta, sometimes lovingly referred to as the ninth circle of hell. As temperatures continue to swell, so do our sweat glands. If you’re feeling a little icky today, don’t worry. You’re definitely not alone.
1. The ‘morning sweats’
Your thighs are stuck together and your sheets are soaked. The AC has been on all night an hasn’t made the slightest difference. Hello heatwave day.
2. The ‘shit sweats’
You’re halfway through your morning business, chilling on the toilet, contemplating how it’s possible you’re losing actual bucketloads of sweat from just sitting.
3. The ‘in-shower sweat’
The cold water is somehow warmer than the actual ‘hot’ option, and against all odds, you’re somehow sweating while showering.
4. The ‘after-shower sweats’
Towelling off feels like a solid half hour of cardio as your body sweats profusely from the rigorous up-and-down action.
5. The ‘outfit choice sweats’
At least you don’t have to wait till after you leave the house to see if the clothes you choose will have sweat patches. You’ll get them while tying your laces.
6. The ‘bottom of the foot sweats’
Good luck walking in flip flops. All day you’ll be slipping and sliding, turning any dust you kick up into an awkward, under-foot mud.
7. The ‘in-car sweats’
Welcome to the interior of your car, average temperature: 63,512°C. Prepare to flush your pores.
8. The ‘trying to unlock your phone sweats’
As your palms become pools of perspiration, you suffer to get the damn fingerprint recognition to work without short-circuiting your phone.
When that doesn’t work you desperately try to key in your passcode, but your phone isn’t clocking your sweat-soaked sausages as human digits.
9. The ‘coffee sweats’
You need the caffeine, but why does boiling water have to be so hot? And if you think you’re cheating the system by drinking a frappe, your accelerated heart rate will be enough to get you sweating anyway.
10. The ‘doing anything sweats’
Need to get a glass of water? Prepare to sweat. Walking to the printer to pick up a form? Prepare to sweat. Literally anything you do today will get your juices flowing.
11. The ‘sofa sweats’
After a long day leaving a slimy trail everywhere you go, you decide to settle in and finally catch up on Game of Thrones. At this point one of two things happens: you either stick to your sofa and leave half your skin behind as you try to stand up, or you spend your whole evening sliding off with your sweat acting as sofa-lube.
12. The ‘pillow sweats’
As you lie there, desperate for your AC to kick in, you feel the back of your neck seeping sweat into your pillowcase. It’s going to be a long night.
13. The ‘sex sweats’
Who are we kidding. No one is getting laid today.