Facebook. An incredible place filled with cute videos of baby animals, memes you compulsively tag your friends in, and the perfect tool for stalking staying up to date on your ex, their new squeeze, and your childhood crush (marelli how hot he was eh?). Sometimes, when you’re scrolling through this magical world where time seems to disappear into a deep, dank abyss, you might find yourself thinking some rather – let’s face it – bitchy thoughts about the alleged ‘friends’ on your newsfeed. Shh, it’s okay.
Sometimes, human beings can get a little dark and twisty that way. Fear not my sweet summer child, because we’re here today to let you know that there are others like you. Well, probably. Whatever makes you feel better.
1. Oh dear God: another engagement
Whether you’re secretly irritated because your boo hasn’t proposed yet, or genuinely can’t stand another #shesaidyes #engaged #inlove #fiance post, if you’re over the age of 20 then these ones are regulars and they seem to spread through your friends list like wildfire.
2. #WEDDINGIT is not a thing
You don’t need to be a fully-fledged grammar Nazi to take offence at quite possibly the most annoying hashtag phenomenon since the much-reviled #YOLO. What’s next, #DivorcingIt? #ShittingIt? You’re not even the ones actually being wed. You’re attending a wedding. You are most definitely not wedding it. Sit down.
3. Il-ħanina. Cry me a river, trid?
Yes, I’m sure getting as many likes as possible on that three-line status describing the intricacies of your sore throat/flu/allergies/cold/piles problem/whatever will make you feel so much better. Please, do go on sharing updates about every gross thing that your body is doing. Everyone cares, we promise. Bless you.
4. Yay, another 26 identical photos of your offspring!
Kids are cute. They’re even more heart-warmingly adorable when you’re not the brave soul who changes their nappies, wakes up at holy-shit-o’clock to feed them, and has to be generally responsible for that tiny human’s life and wellbeing.
Parents of the world, we salute you. Parents who share multiple daily photos, videos, and updates about your kids, calm down. They’ll have Facebook in a few years and they’ll be uploading duckface selfies before you can say ‘get off the internet’.
No newsfeed is complete without that one person who seems to be 100% committed to sharing those ‘shocking’ articles (to be read: fear-mongering toilet water of the worst kind) from sources as reliable as Donald Trump’s hairstylist. Fake news.
6. U le/U LEEEEEEEEEEEE
Translation: [sheer exasperation and/or disbelief in Maltese]
A favourite Maltese go-to, the ‘u le’ is the preferred response to anything from that person very obviously sharing songs to make sure that one person knows they’ve messed up, right up to the wannabe ‘perf’ models showing off ‘sexy’ photos from their latest ‘photo session’ – the ‘u le’ is the perfect way to express just how done you are with humanity in general.