1. The Hiiii-Hun!
Their squeaky-clean yacht may as well be named ‘The Royal Douche’. Or ‘La Douche Royale’. In the words of Urban Dictionary, a ‘douchebag‘ can be defined as ‘Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker.’
Needless to say, these boat owners do not merit the title based solely on the fact that they own a massive yacht. Mais non! The male version of such boat owners walk around with the obligatory (collar up) Polo shirt, while the women drag words out as long as they physically can before running out of breath.
‘I’ve just come from the South of France. Maaaahvelous! Qoh qoh qoh.’
2. The RIB King
Wherever the RIB (Rigid Inflatable Boat) owner is cruising, rest assured he is feeling super cool with a cigarette behind his ear, controlling the outboard engine. And the likelihood is that this owner is circling larger boats in the area – such as ‘La Douche Royale’ (see point #1), with the sole purpose of spying on the girls on them. When the mission to pick up girls fails, he resorts to comparing horsepower with other dinghy enthusiasts.
‘X’naqa horsepower ABŻ għandek!’
3. Ta’ l-ice cream
You’ve reached that quasi-state of bliss yet you have that nagging feeling inside that something is missing in your life and you can’t quite put a finger on what it is. Then you hear the ice cream boat and suddenly it all makes sense.
4. The speed boat owner li jqażżeż bajja
This particular speed boat is the marine version of a Glanza, as is the owner. Sporting some shitty name and tacky graphic on the side of the boat, this owner is guilty of noise pollution and crassness.
‘Qażżist bajja man’
Anyone not on the boat
5. The boat owner who’s bigger than his boat
You know, the miniature boats you see bobbing at Spinola which the toddler version of yourself could practically play with in your bath. They’re colourful, they’re cute. They’re also tiny, unlike their owners.
6. The Christopher ‘Id-Daqna’ Colombus
This well-travelled sailor (not the Middle Sea Race sort) sports a beard, pigmentation and wrinkles around his eyes from sun exposure, not to mention a few freckles on his nose and more than a fair share of crazy stories.
7. Hagrid: Marine Version 2.0
Typically spotted in Marsaxlokk, this traditional fishing boat owner is the Hagrid of muggles. He is stable and sturdy, just like his boat, and generally has a heart of gold.
‘Araħ xi ħlew jitma’ l-ħamiem’