The internet is a wonderful place full of music we love, memes we laugh about, and cute videos of animals doing stupid things that cheer up the sadness in our hearts (Yes, I’m still in 2008, leave me alone).
But if there’s one guilty pleasure that we all enjoy, it’s watching (or sometimes partaking in) internet drama. Whether it be politically charged, a discussion over some controversial topic, or just some influencer being dragged across Twitter, *cough* sister scandal *cough*, as soon as the kettle whistles, we all want tea.
For all you shady bitches that feel like stirring up drama beauty-guru style, here are seven tried and tested methods to trigger Maltese Facebook
Just remember that being shady is not the same as being hateful, so make sure you’re respectful while burning bridges
1. “Who are you voting for? I like *insert political party here*“
If you are the kind of sociopath to post something like this on Facebook, (a) I applaud your confidence and lack of self-preservation and (b) brace yourself, because your political friends will be up in arms for approximately 27 years.
Oh, and good luck at that job interview, you’ll need it.
2. “What’s your opinion on *insert the current hot topic of the week which will probably make it to Xarabank by Friday and be forgotten by next week*?”
This special breed of hell will usually be found on a specialised Facebook group that inevitably divides the community, leading to the dissolution of the group and many negative emotions whenever someone mentions it.
Have fun with that!
3. Diss the Eurovision
This one is a (slightly) less brutal one, but people who publicly badmouth any of Malta’s Eurovision’s attempts usually have a lot of disagreeing people in their comment section.
And can you blame them when Michela’s song is just so good?
4. Any opinions on immigration
Again, as soon as someone brings this topic up, Satan’s fiery claws that we know as opinions make a usually unwanted appearance and sour the whole conversation.
Maybe one day we could discuss it without so much anger, but alas, it’s not to be just yet.
5. Norman Lowe-
I’m gonna stop myself right there.
For my own safety, I choose to leave this one as is so the internet will take mercy on me when the killings begin. You guys will take mercy, right?
6. “Your pet isn’t that cute”
Shut up, shut up, shut up, you’re completely wrong and I dislike your opinion. This one is by far the worst on the list and anyone who says this deserves all the internet hell they get.
Am I exaggerating a little? Yes, but animals are innocent, sweet creatures that did nothing wrong and anyone who says otherwise hates happiness. Period!
7. “Did you hear what that politician said about abortion?”
Yes I did just jump from dogs to abortion. You’re welcome.
And while this definitely counts as a controversial topic, given how prevalent it is in both Malta and around the world right now, I thought it would be best to have its own spot, because be honest; we’ve all seen the internet explode over this issue.
And if you’re wondering what my opinion on this is. Just know that I have one, and half of you will disagree with it. That should be more than enough to stoke the fires.
BONUS: Fix someone’s spelling in the middle of an argument
RIP you. RIP me. RIP everyone.
To everyone planning on starting a digital war, I hope you found this list useful. And for everyone who, like me, prefers to just watch the chaos unfold from afar, text me and we can enjoy it together with popcorn!