7 Ways You Know You’re Getting Old In Malta

There's no escaping it...


There are some things in life you just can’t ignore, no matter how many cute puppy videos you try to distract yourself with. One of these things is the slow yet inevitable passage of time, coupled with an ever-growing awareness of your own mortality. 

As we age, there are certain… markers, ilestones - or warning signs, if you will, that let you know you’re no longer a fresh-faced 16-year-old excited to start Sixth Form and stop wearing uniforms. Don’t worry. We’re here for you qalbi.

1. "PV? Insa."

Translation: Paceville? Forget about it.

Ah, pijvij. Isn’t it strange how this place that once symbolised all the fun, debauchery, and drama of your carefree days has become the equivalent of Satan’s unwashed armpit to you? I mean really: the pushing, the shoving, the sweat, the smell of cigarettes, the inappropriate groping, the sticky floors - and that’s just in Havana alone. Let’s not forget about the fact that going to Paceville from your mid-20s onwards means being surrounded by kids so young they’ve never heard of the word ‘puberty’ before. 

2. "Meet at 11? At night? Mela qed tiġġennen jew?"

Translation: Meet at 11? At night? Are you f*cking insane?

Arranging to rendezvous with your friends later than 10:30 PM is now a downright preposterous idea. Sure, in the old days it wasn’t 'cool' to meet earlier than that because Paceville would be as dead as the roadkill on Donald Trump’s head. Say ċaw ċaw to that because honey, you had a long week at work and you need to be in bed by midnight so your Cinderella self can get into bed and watch Netflix until 3 AM.

3. Everyone. Is getting. Engaged.

Or married, whatever. And once the first #SheSaidYes or #HeSaidYes appears in your newsfeed, you’d best believe that more will follow. It spreads. It’s contagious. Come wedding season, you’ll need a few new outfits and a strong liver to get you through those fabulous open bars (priorities, guys).

4. You remember Ira's white lace catsuit

And you loved it. You watched that 2002 Eurovision (yes, you are that old) and you cheered from the comfort of your sofa, and you damn near lost it when she did the thing with the glitter. It was fabulous. You know you were rooting for her. You were devastated that we didn’t win that one, huh?

5. You feel somewhat threatened by 'The Youths'

You know when you’re walking to a wine bar in Valletta in the evening, and you sort of avoid making eye contact with the loud teens playing music on their telecells? Yeah. That thing. You know they’re harmless and that you too used to hang out ‘at Belt’ (seriously, why was it okay to say that?) but now it’s different. You’re old. It’s okay - calm down. Have some tea. They’re only teenagers, for goodness’ sake.

6. You often wonder: why are there so many strip clubs though?

Seriously, Paceville morphed into one long chain of, ahem, 'gentlemen’s clubs' (there’s a certain irony in the fact that gentlemen are rarely found there). We’ll soon have to replace bar hopping with strip club hopping at this rate.

7. And a lot of your drive is dedicated to thinking: 'WTF is up with all the cranes?'

In your younger days, you didn’t have to worry about boring grown-up things like taxes, insurance, the cost of living, and rampant corruption at the highest levels of government (just an example, of course). But you’re an adult now, and you just can help but be royally pissed off about how our beautiful island seems to have grown into one big construction site. It wasn’t always like this, was it?! Don’t ask me, I can’t remember. I’m old and it’s after 8 PM on a weekday.

Think we missed out on any quality ageing dilemmas? Let us know in the comments section below.

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