The inability to correctly socialise and a scarily imbalanced diet are two defining characteristics of the Maltese population. And to be honest, a lot of it comes down to how we were raised. Of course, none of this would even be a problem if we hadn’t been brought into this world without our consent.
We didn’t ask to be Maltese, right? So why shouldn’t we follow in the footsteps of Mumbai businessman Raphael Samuel? We could probably just sue our parents for that. But if we didn’t want to take it that far, we could probably just sue them for these other things instead.
1. Making us afraid of sex
We were always taught that sex was dirty and only allowed once you were married. And because of that we’re always weird with these things and have no idea what we’re doing.
2. Our awful diets
Maltese food isn’t really the healthiest of cuisines. Paired with a weekly dose of chicken nuggets and chips at every single birthday party we attended between the ages of 3 and 11, and nanna‘s insistence that we “eat more jaħasra“, we’re constantly struggling with our diet and our weight.
3. Piercing our ears without our consent
Can you imagine all the two year old girls out there crying in pain just because mummy wanted them to be able to wear gold hoops? Not nice. Also not a good look, let’s be honest here.
4. Bad fashion in general
Checked shirts, bow ties, and waaaay too much hair have remained a constant in the fashion choices of too many Maltese men. And an unfortunate attraction to colourful leggings for the women.
5. Making us believe ‘the man’ was always watching us
And would somehow punish us if we ever did anything wrong or naughty.
“Ara terġa tipprova għax jiġi għalik il-man!”
6. Forcing us to go to dutrina
Okay, this is more of a cultural one, but the whole thing was weird. We’d go to dutrina but it was ok if we missed Sunday Mass, l-aqwa li we did our Holy Communion.
7. Giving us phone-related social anxiety
I wouldn’t be so afraid of my great-aunt if I wasn’t literally forced to speak to her on the phone every Saturday, even though I have absolutely nothing to tell her. Those thirty-second-long silences were a killer.
8. Making us hang out with people we don’t like
Being forced to play with the kids of their best friends was never fun, and it never ended smoothly. But I guess it’s what taught us all how to pretend to be nice. So I guess that’s good.