9 Imaginary Apps Which Are Perfect For Malta
It always starts with a ‘Mela għal kollox hawn app?’ (Mum)
Indeed, there are apps that track your menstrual cycle, apps that identify music playing around you so you don’t need to remember the lyrics to google them later on, apps that track the number of steps you take, there’s even an app which recommends the best time to go to pee at the cinema without missing any essential bits of the film, like that part you forget you’re in public and shout ‘Madonna, NO!’
Yet deep inside, you know there is something missing in your life. And that probably comes in the form of one of these apps which haven’t yet been invented, but totally should.
Custom-made for the Maltese, I present to you the following awesome apps:
1. The Ex-Proximator
Whether you ended your relationship civilly or destroyed all the kitchenware from JB in the process, chances are you probably don’t want to run into your ex – at least for the first six months. And what are the chances of that not happening in Malta, particularly during our eventful summer months?
So for those of you who would rather poke your eyes out with a toothpick than be in the same three-mile radius as your ex, this App would ensure you’re never in their proximity. And if you’re the curious type of ex, you could use the app to place yourself strategically so you can see the ex without being seen back. Unless they have downloaded it too.
2. Wirdien Alert App
Walking four minutes down the street to have your legs waxed should not be a life-threatening ordeal. This app would locate the best routes to your destination based on the least amount of cockroaches en route. No surprises, no dashing into the middle of the street and risking being hit by a car.
3. Blood Type
Unless you’re sick of everyone’s shit and vote AD or identify as a switcher, you’re probably blue-blooded or red-blooded. Want to bitch about the political party you oppose without being beaten up in the street? This app would vibrate whenever a person from the opposing party is approaching. It would do so giving you enough time to subtly change subject.
PN: I hate Jo…hannesburg. So dangerous.
PL: Kemm ma naħmilhomx in-Na-ħal. X’attakk nervuż iqabduni!
4. X’MistħijApp
Sick of finding yourself at weddings where someone else is wearing the same outfit as you? This app will alert you if anyone else is wearing the same thing so you can hide in the darkest corner of Villa Bologna for the entire wedding and order your friends to do the waiter-chasing for you.
‘Ħaffef Chan, mur israqlu żewġ kebabs tal-frott.’
5. FOMO NOMO’
FOMO (acronym); Fear Of Missing Out.
An app that tells you what songs other clubs are playing so you can make an informed decision and sprint there when you like a song without the fear of missing out.
6. Fej Il-Ħanżira Wasalt App
This one is for the punctual people who are sick of being told ‘On the way bro’ and are always the ones left waiting outside the agreed place because their asshole friends are still bathing their tortoises. This app represents your friends as a moving red dot on a map, so you can calculate the right time to leave home.
7. Fake AF Convo 2.0
For that time ‘Fej il-Ħanżira Wasalt’ app is faulty and your asshole friends are late again, leaving you waiting outside Medasia alone looking like an ass, simply open Fake AF Convo 2.0 and have a totally real conversation with a totally unreal person and you look like you’ve actually got friends to passers-by.
8. Tgħidx Ċuċati, Fredrik App
Tgħidx Ċuċati, Fredrik is a brilliant application that helps you out when you’ve run out of things to say. Instead of saying rubbish like you normally do to fill the awkward silence you feel is engulfing you, this app flashes keywords and phrases to inspire you in times of need. Forsi ma tafx kif, you’ll get to the stage of meeting the parents.
9. Il-Boss
Ex-employees rate their ex-bosses on this groundbreaking app, for potential future employees to be able to take an informed decision on whether or not they should take that great-sounding job and having to resign after a month because of that twatty boss.
‘Ma min sejjer taħdem, ma dak id-demel?!’
