Maltese people love many things. Two of those things are living at home with one’s parents, and another is having sex. The problem is, these two things to do not go hand in hand.
Almost half of 25-to 34-year-olds still live with their parents, and most of those – assumedly – are banging away like rabbits.
And there is nothing but a single layer of bricks between the woman who gave birth to them and the woman or man giving them a rusty trombone.
This isn’t the best-case-scenario for anyone involved, so we’ve come up with a useful guide to avoiding the sheer embarrassment of having your mom walk in on you while you tea-bag away like your middle name was ‘Tetley’.
You’ll want to avoid having this written all over your face in your own house
1. Towels under the bed posts
A classic trick used for, well, at least as long as humanity has had towels, placing fabric between your sex platform – be it the bed, or indeed bookshelf – and the floor is an essential step in making sure your private time stays private.
2. Stand up
Forgo any noisy surfaces and just get straight to the point by standing – and staying – fully erect. You can use a wall if need be, or the corner of a very sturdy bed, but really, just get into position, find your central balance, and redefine the meaning of teamwork.
This could be you
3. Get on the floor
Why lie on a surface that could bend and moan when really, the only thing you want bending and moaning is yourself?
The floor will not share your secrets – unless you have a wooden floor, in which case, you’ll want to skip to the next point.
4. Stay safe in the shower
The main problem is getting you and your partner into the bathroom without everyone else noticing. Once this is achieved, get the water on for one steamy shower with your lover.
5. Head to the roof
This is the best for people who want to avoid scandalising their parents and also want to explore an exhibitionist streak that may lie dormant in their DNA.
Try it at night if you are super wary of being filmed or seen – remember, drones are a thing now.
6. Play loud music
You can silence your bed, and soundproof your room – but sometimes, the sounds your partner makes during sex could be mistaken for the murdering of a small bovine creature and attract très unwanted attention.
Avoid this by playing loud music. It is best to avoid anything too romantic, as it might give you away, and, let’s face it, romantic music during sex is just boring.
This could be your partner one day
7. Give your parents an exotic spa voucher
Want to have sex in your parents house without your parents finding out? Get them out of the house. Buying a dinner for your parents is too obvious, so go for a “Love-infused dual full-body massage with wine included”.
Parents love that shit.
8. Spoon sex
This refers to side-by-side sex, as opposed to having sex with spoons.
This allows greater control of the sounds your writhing bodies will produce, and also gives you a higher chance of believability if someone happens to walk in – you were just hugging, albeit sweatily.
9. Avoid anything squeaky
This can’t be stressed enough – too many squeaks in a short period will betray you. The human mind is built to recognise patterns, and your mamma will definitely recognise the sounds of pounding occurring on your bed.
Not from all the times she’s had sex in it herself, but just because she’s changed the sheets so many times and knows your bed – and every bed in the house – by heart.
Get your minds out of the gutters.
BONUS: Blame your siblings
If the deed has been done and you’ve been caught dick-handed, then you gotta go for broke: blame your brother, blame your sister, and if you don’t have any siblings, just say you were both watching porn by accident.