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A (Brief) Beginner’s Guide To Maltese History Part 14: The British Are Coming!

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Our (not so) brief rundown of Malta’s history continues.

We’ve previously discussed how the Maltese people totally threw a guy they disliked out of a balcony in Mdina and trampled his friends to death over damask drapes.

We left off at a point where the French became our worst enemies and the Maltese people really wanted to get rid of them ASAP. The King of Naples was an early 00s Ashton Kutcher pre-reincarnate and he totally Punk’d us, so the Maltese guys decided to ask Napoleon’s arch-nemesis for help.

The famous French blockade officially began in 1798 and went on for two whole years. Alexander Ball (that guy who totally has a statue in Valletta) got here and helped the Maltese keep up resistance against the French.

Not to be the basses or anything, but we must credit the French for holding on for two whole years with little food and almost no ammunition.

It is said that the French had enough food to last them seven months, however they managed to stretch it out real well. The French only surrendered when they literally had zero food left in 1800.

So there you have it, we starved a bunch of French guys to get them to leave.

The British set a provisional government for a couple of years to help us get on our feet. After that, they went off their merry way and left us to get total and complete control over our country for the first time ever. Our plan succeeded and we were finally free from any oppressors.

The only problem is that totally never happened. Sorry.

Basically, in the 1800s we became a provisional part of the British Empire, and they were supposed to evacuate our land after a couple of years.

However, the Brits totally fell in love with how cool Malta looked and how amazing our tight ports were.

They decided that the islands were basically a super prized asset for them to hold onto. Which they did. Forever.

Without even realising, we became a naval fortress. These guys called Malta ‘The Fortress Island’. By this time, our pants were itching for independent rule already, but the British refused to give us home rule (that is, being part of the colony but governing ourselves).

The British were not all bad, of course.

They gave us several liberal ideas and constitutional rights, so it wasn’t that terrible. Most of their reforms and stuff were opposed by the Church and the nobles, since they really were pro-abolishment of feudal privileges.

We will not be going into all the constitutions Malta had under the British, because they practically lasted anywhere between one month and four years. Seriously.

We went through everything from dual control, legislative councils, a council of government under the British rule and countless of debates amongst which is the language question.

All of this was quite weird for the Maltese people to go through. We were a bit in between sort of. Do you remember that Britney Spears song I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman? Of course you do. That’s exactly how Malta felt at the time as a country.

When the French left, we felt like we had the answers to everything, but all of a sudden, we were totally caught in the middle — realising that we’re not a girl, not yet a woman.

All we needed was time and a moment that was ours while we were in between.

That is totally a reinterpretation of the Britney Spears lyrics by the way, and they fit in with the state the country was in. Perfect proof, right there.

That’s enough for today. We have at least another decade to go with the British, so might as well savour this legendary tale before it gets too old.

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