Dear Maltese Barbers,
We hope you are well. We hope that today is a good day for you to sit down and read our letter, which we have written with tears in our eyes and tiny cracks in our hearts.
This has been going on for years now, and it’s been hurting us for a very long time — we cannot bear to live like this, we cannot keep silent anymore and we cannot bear to see the unfortunate souls around us suffer. For the last seven years it seems like you have had only one inspiration in your repertoire: the Hitler Youth.
This undercut has been predominantly popular for about three million years, rising to its height these last seven or so years on this island. This can be seen heavily here in Malta, where every basic bitch in the country has the exact same haircut, with the only variation being the position and angle of the fake ferq so meticulously well brushed every morning before rolling themselves to whatever they are doing these days. Every time we step out of the house, nine out of the ten males we see, carry the very same haircut which wouldn’t have been amiss in Nazi Germany.
Historically, the undercut was common among poor people who did not afford scissors and chunks of meat on a yearly basis, however nowadays these lost young men pay at least 10 euros to get this uniformed atrocity planted on their heads. We invite you, dear barbers, to go to Paceville for a drink this weekend, and play Hitler Youth Haircut Bingo with your friends. We are sure you will all score very high and win good prizes. This Wehrmacht side-swept style has been slowly taking over the island — making it almost impossible to not spot a basic male bitch in a black shirt, skinny jeans and white running shoes, omg so Luftwaffe #loveit.
These fake Jugend bros break our heart into a million little pieces; once you see one of them you have practically seen them all — yes, you do look original in a world where everyone else carries the exact same hairstyle and owns the exact five shirts you also have as your staple PV clothing.
Kim Jong Un’s stylist would be proud of y’all, we promise boys.
We cannot distinguish you from one another anymore, and frankly, it’s worrying. What will we do when one of you goes missing? How will we identify any potential burglars in a police lineup? How will your mother know if it’s you sleeping in your bed, or a 2015 post-pregnant Kelly Clarkson? When we see you in Paceville, how will we know whether or not you are a Maltese kid or Wilhelm Keitel? Nuremberg called, they want you on trial xbin.
Dear beautiful barbers, we hope that our lament does not fall upon deaf ears, but that your talented hands start working towards a more diverse, creative and maybe less neofascist collective of male humans on this island. We know that most clients have the creativity of a manual cash register, but you don’t. You studied to be a hair stylist, an artist and a groomer. Dearest love, you are the very person who shapes the identity of your clients.
At least, if you are determined to keep on recycling this haircut, be 100% certain that whoever is getting it fits in the boxes of either being a Neo-Nazi, a Hitler Youth member, Miley Cyrus or a Kim Jong Un impersonator in transition.